Thursday, 22 June 2017

Big Brother UK 2017: 'Life's too short to clean your knickers up'

Ooh it's a secret eviction. I like seeing the housemates all asleep. Old skool!
Emma making jokes about us hating the new housemates. Hmm.
These housemates are so orange-ist. Poor Morph feels boring already. Ha, Morph and Rebecca are forming a support group of Kieran's cast offs.
Rebecca immediately reporting back to Kieran. What a snitch. Kieran acting like he has some secret with Morph. 'She's my mate's ex girlfriend.' So what. Why did you sleep with her then!
Woah, look how much make up Morph is putting on! It's concealer, not Ronseal.
Why is Rebecca's arm in a sling? Probably from all that stirring.
The soundproofing must be good in the house. Emma's shrill as ever outside and still they don't wake up.
Kieran has been summoned to the 'den of dilemma.' Big Brother is putting him on a date with Savannah and making Isabelle (Morph) wait on them. No shit. He's trying to frame it as being respectful. Wrong answer. Lol at Chanelle: 'They said you're a waiter, doesn't mean you're a good one.' Ha.
Kieran likes a girl who gets dirty. Or pisses on him. I like the fact Isabelle is openly sulking. Quite funny.
I loved Isabelle drenching him in suncream. 'I'm not gonna bite.' He looked SO ANGRY. He's acting so affronted she's there. It's not your house, Kieran. You're not paying rent.
Ha, them asking Kieran what noises Rebecca makes in bed. Bet Chanelle goes WAAAAA.
Tom about Raph: 'He does my head in... boring twat.' The people's housemate, everyone. Raph is upset they're always talking about sex. 'It's not that interesting.' That depends who you're doing it with.
Kieran has made Morph cry. He's ruining her experience by alienating her. Poor thing. She thought 'it would be funny' being with Kieran in the house. I don't know why.
Raph, Deborah and Chanelle playing word association. Lotan: attention seeking. Joe: mean. Isabelle: misunderstood. This is a fun game for all the family.
Lotan thinks Hannah's leaving. Tom on Joe: 'Everyone loves a geezer.' Only if it's Danny Dyer. Otherwise, fack off, you muggy cunt.
Ha, both the new girls are finding it awkward. I actually don't mind either of the new girls. 'Don't mind' is faint praise, though.
Lotan has been called to the den of dilemma. He can hear mean tweets about Ellie or about himself. Please let it be one of mine.
Lotan chose his own. Ellie is crying as if he's a saint. He's just vain and wants to hear his own name. Ha, Ellie has to read them aloud to him.
Lotan 'no one comments if a dog barks at the moon, but if the dog barks back, it'll make the moon faint.' That's Gaz's tattoo of the week sorted. Lotan makes David Brent look profound. Even Ryan Ruckledge is dissing Lotan. Zing.
I can't be bothered to write down the rest of this crap. They are banishing themselves from the party. Oh well.
Lotan: 'I don't speak for everyone.' Makes a change. The other housemates are being martyrs and not having the party.
Rebecca and Lotan are slagging off Deborah for putting mushrooms in the food? And they were slagging off the sisters to the newbies as soon as they came in.
The other housemates enjoying secretly watching Rebecca and the sisters arguing, ha.
Lotan: 'How can that bitch - and I use that word openly...' about Hannah. This guy is a pure cunt. What did she even do? Exist?
Oh the housemates have realised it's an eviction. Boring. I wanna see them tipped out in their dressing gowns.
The sisters calling Lotan 'an ignorant bastard', ha. Ooh, the sisters are slagging off Ellie for leaving her knickers around and Raph laughed.
It's not two faced to talk about someone behind their back in the Big Brother house. I'm sure you've done it, Ellie.
Ooh, the sisters are taking some names! Bring it! Ellie saying 'true colours are showing.' No comment. STFU Ellie, you're irrelevant. 'Life's too short to clean your knickers up.' Really? Tell that to Stephanie Davies.
I love Deborah not apologising to Ellie. Deborah to Ellie: 'You don't have to say everything you think.' Ha.
That chocolate fountain is going to waste. Oh my God, Lotan and Tom are sticking their faces in it.
The sisters are giving Isabelle a pep talk. Good! Get her on side.
Whenever one side is having fun, the other side bitches. Mind you, this is boring. Has Charlotte defected from the exiles? Would anyone notice?
Crowd are chanting 'Get Joe out!' Whoop. Some people are shouting 'get Rebecca out' and Lotan said 'shut up.' Ha. I wouldn't mind Rebecca or Joe going, but ideally Joe.
Ooh, I just noticed Emma actually looks nice. I prefer the slick down hair to the bouffant. Her red pantsuit is nice, too.
Eviction time! 'Get Joe out!' Woo. Omg it's Rebecca. I hate Rebecca, but how does Rebecca go over Joe? Really. Pure sexism. Sigh. Mind you, at least we can wave goodbye to her built in storyline. She looks like she's wearing a bit of old wallpaper.
Rebecca: 'I was a little bit ready to leave.' Well, your roots need doing already. Annoying that Joe outlasted her.
Oh I forgot to blog that whole interview because I couldn't care less. What's next to look forward to on Big Brother? Oh I know, BB19.
Pod on Saturday! If Big Brother is gonna fuck with the days, so can we. Retaliation!

Wednesday, 21 June 2017

Big Brother UK 2017: Fuck 'em all

Ooh, interesting! Raph is taking the rap for pranks that him AND Chanelle did. Joe: 'I keep telling you about this guy.' About Raph. You can keep telling us all the way out the door, you grumpy sod.
Rebecca complaining in the DR about Joe hating on Raph. At least she likes Raph (or hates Joe more).
Joe telling Raph he's 'slippery'. It was a prank! Get over yourself. Joe seems either VERY depressed or angry in there. 
Lotan is boiling every egg in the house in revenge. Charlotte is taking six eggs for herself. What is she, the Easter bunny?
Chanelle: 'People don't take the time to get to know you, Raph.' Chanelle is still carrying on with the egg smashing. I love her, now. I love her and Raph, that's it.
Chanelle: 'Tom and Lotan take everything so serious.' Aint that the truth. Chanelle is doing some good acting about the eggs. 'I wanted an omlette.' I think she could be the new Karen from BBCAN.
Lotan calling Chanelle 'sweetheart.' He's such a patronising TWAT. My mild dislike of him has rocketed into unbridled hatred.
Blind Date task. Yet another show dating Big Brother is ripping off (yes, I know it's on the same channel). The new housemates are Savannah, Sam and... I've forgotten the other one. Isabelle.
Lotan: 'The first thing people notice about me is my curly hair.' No, it's that you're a knob.
The first thing people notice about contestant number one is that she looks like Morph. Second one is Jay McCray. The Irish one looks the best bet and is the most 'diverse' (lol).
Rebecca is stressed that one of them knows Kieran. Is it Morph?
Ellie is jealous of the Irish girl. Ellie is jealous of... (insert name here - hey Demetres) is getting old.
All the new housemates think they'll clash with Hannah and Deborah. Great, more people who hate the sisters. Just what we need.
Morph isn't going to get into the house saying she fancies Kieran. Savannah fancies Lotan or Kieran. Grim.
Ellie can't believe that Sam fancies her. I can't either, tbh.
This dancing behind a screen thing is probably the most tragic thing I've ever seen on Big Brother, and that's saying something.
Joe is grumping that the outside people have 'info' on them. What's he worried about coming out?! It's not like they're sending in Louis Theroux, it's just a couple of blondes and a meat shield.
Rebecca is worried her storyline is going to go off. It's like when they replace a character on a soap with a new, more attractive actor.
It's bad enough looking like Morph, but the eyebrows aren't helping. The guy actually seems OK. He seems harmless so far.
The old housemates are so bitter. Lotan thinks the lad 'is full of shit.' Um. Chanelle doesn't want someone to come in and 'be a gobby little fuck.' That's her job.
Lotan is right that Morph will wind people (ie. Rebecca) up. Tom and Lotan do 'anything each other says.' Get a room.
Lotan intimidated by Sam's height. I love it. I hope he goes in. What the fuck, they chose the two girls? What a fix letting Lotan and Keiran and Chanelle choose, of course they're going to choose the two girls. Every single decision is a bad one. All we're going to get now is the guys peacocking round the new girls and Ellie and Rebecca being jealous.
I feel like Hitler is producing BB this year, and the BB eugenics task is nearly complete.
Look at Tom acting like the big man with the two new women. Gross! God, please don't let them join the 'clique'.
Ellie likes to be 'the girl with the good personality.' Will you tell her, or shall I?
Savannah just slipped on an egg. Trip hazard! I thought she was Rebecca from behind. Interchangable blondes for the win! Diversity!
Rebecca has come to the diary room and said 'I don't want to be a bitch.' Cut to her being a bitch. Rebecca going 'I don't know what Kieran was thinking' about Morph. Fuck off. Kieran slept with Morph in Ibiza last year. He 'hates tans.' Why fuck Morph then?
Joe is worried about the tan from Morph going in the hot tub. Joe isn't exactly pale and interesting himself.
Joe saying to her: 'Isn't there different shades?' Mind your own business! Don't tell people what colour they can be.
OMG at Chanelle quizzing Isabelle (Morph) about Kieran. 'Did you suck him?' Morph: 'Probably.' Chanelle: 'Did he suck you?' No. Suck what?! Of course he didn't. Men are such selfish twats in bed sometimes.
Lotan trying to chat up Savannah... desperate.
Isabelle is annoyed Kieran said what happened between them. Er... she just told everyone you sucked him off.
Lotan, Kieran and Tom are having a group shower. Lock the cubicle and keep the water running.
Isabelle is sitting with Chanelle and the sisters. That's a good sign.
Lotan at the girl's singing: 'Shut the fuck up, you boring bitches.' Speak for yourself.
Raph is explaining what's going down in the DR and he's happy with the new blood.
Raph going to Rebecca: 'I know who I want to go and it's not you, Hannah or Chanelle.' Lol.
Even the sight of Lotan now sickens me. I HATE HIM. He's my worst one by a mile.
Ellie: 'Fuck 'em all, cunts.' Aw, sad she didn't get the guy who fancies her in there.
Lotan going on about Savannah's size, shut up. I'm sure she's aware she's small.
Savannah seems like she has a brain in her head at least. Oh the lads: 'They're not boyfriend material, but they're comic relief.'
Isabelle thinks Lotan's got a 'good body but an absolute dickhead who makes her cringe inside.' I don't even think he has a good body.
OK, maybe these new girls have got something more to them that first appearances suggest. If they hate Lotan, they can stay. If Raph can rally them up, they've got the numbers to take out the clique and I'll be here for it.
Don't forget it's the eviction tomorrow, not Friday. Save Hannah and Chanelle, please? If Hannah goes over Joe, it would be too depressing. Let's not evict any more minorities, please. The producers are already trying to ethnically cleanse the house, we don't have to help them along.

Tuesday, 20 June 2017

Big Brother UK 2017: I've got better things to do than discuss fucking eggs

Saw the new housemates on Twitter today. More thick white people! It's like Big Brother is trying to annoy their minority viewers. Give us some people with brains, please. Or at least personalities. One is Kieran's ex! What next, Kieran's mum? Oh, she's already in there.
Chanelle telling Kieran he's sexy when he's angry. Rebecca's gonna come for your edges, whatever the fuck that means.
Joe is a bit intimidating, I think. As are his family members trolling me on my blog - sigh.
Ooh, noms already. Raph nommed Tom for 'caring about airtime' and Joe for his crap 'Bobbys' tattoo. No, for not liking him and for being disrespectful. Raph: 'Girl power.' Lol.
Joe nommed Rebecca and Charlotte: 'I don't even notice she's in the house.' Fair point, nor do I.
Ellie nommed Joe for being negative. Joe does seem miserable as sin in there. Probably worried about his GF on the outside. Ellie also nominated Rebecca, so at least she tooks shots at both sides.
Charlotte nominated Joe for being miserable and Chanelle! Nooooo. Boo. For knocking a drink towards Kayleigh. Who cares!
Chanelle couldn't get through passport control in Turkey because she'd had plastic surgery. Dear oh dear.
Tom: 'Have you ever bent over the mirror and farted?' Entertainment is obviously lacking in Wales.
Rebecca has pissed on someone ie. Keiran. I saw this whole bit on BBBOTS, so what's the point?
Kieran realising what they're talking about takes him a minute. So Kieran is a little bitch in bed. Figures.
Oh, more noms. Deborah nommed Joe and Tom for being 'far up Lotan', ha.
Ooh, Kieran nominated Joe! I'm surprised. And also Chanelle for not washing up. Cop out.
Rebecca nominated Joe for hating women. I think that's probably quite true. She also nominated Hannah for being moody and for singing. Please stop singing.
Hannah nominated Joe for having a go at Rebecca, bit ironic as Rebecca just nommed her. Oh, her second nomination was Rebecca. We're never gonna get rid of Lotan and Kieran.
Tom and Lotan colluding on noms... again.
Deborah has had her cleavage and fanny pierced apparently. Who knew?!
Lotan nominated Hannah and Chanelle. Tom nominated Hannah and Rebecca (I think, I was resetting my phone and I'm not rewinding him).
Chanelle nominated Joe and Rebecca. That argument came back to haunt both of them, didn't it?
Chanelle: 'All Rebecca's bringing is having breakdowns every day.'
The housemates up are Joe, Hannah, Rebecca and Chanelle. Joe doesn't give a fuck. Raph happy he's not 'on the block.'
Deborah: 'It's so predictive.'
What's going on with Raph's orange hair? It's a crappy dye job. Chanelle: 'People don't say it to my face, they lick my arse, but carry on, cos it tastes good, honey.'
Chanelle is doing an inspiring speech. Quite heartwarming really, if a bit sarcastic, haha. Chanelle is pure actressing but at least she's doing something, which is more than 80% of people in there. Lotan calling her fake! Bit rich.
Hannh is having a go at Kieran for not comforting her when she was nominated. Tom coming over and basically intimidating her.
Hannah trying to talk to Lotan and him being so rude to her. Hannah calling Tom 'nosy' and 'extra small.' Ha. See how angry Tom got about it. 'Watch me ruin this joint!' Intimidating. Joe: 'You could have done your hand' as Tom slams his bottle down.
Hannah calling Tom a 'nobody', ha. Him bitching in the DR like a poundland Slim Shady after his latest court battle. Sit down, extra small.
How did Ellie end up in the cool clique? I use those words loosely, but I pronounce them correctly.
Raoh shit stirring that Lotan said 'The nominated people are kicking off, dududududur.' Also threw Ellie's name out there!
Lotan to Hannah: 'Do you mind moving, sweetheart, while I talk to Chanelle?' No problem, darling. The way the guys talk to Hannah is disgusting. It is like she's a second rate citizen in that house. Why could that be... hmm?
Lotan: 'The intellect, or lack of, in this house is killing me.' The irony of him saying those words is almost poetic. Who was he saying 'your voice goes through me' to? I think it was Chanelle.
Tom's upset about being called a nobody. They're all meant to be nobodies.
Hannah: 'Are you somebody? Amazing. Have a good day.' Hannah has stepped up her game.
Raph is being his usual twitchy/ noddy self in the DR, narrating what's going on in the 'season.' He's like an Aldi Dan Gheesling.
Chanelle just broke an egg on the floor for no apparent reason. Rebecca: 'NAH!'
I liked Ellie's 'are you yolking?'
Lotan on Hannah to Tom: 'She hanging herself. Let's ghost her.' Er, racist undertones much! Tom: 'Let's ghost it.' Ah, the people's choice. Aren't we clever. 'Idiot general public' has never been truer.
Chanelle wants to make people's life miserable in case she's going to go. Ha! She's gonna put their clothes in the hot tub and drop some more eggs about. Why not? It's not like there's any intellectuals in the house except Lotan, right, LOL.
Chanelle: 'With Hannah's loudness and my pettiness, the housemates are going to want to walk out when we've finished with them.' Hope so!
Egg gate continues! I love the low level petty warfare of the egg smashing. Chanelle is coming into her own tonight.
Tom threatening to throw food everywhere in retaliation for egg gate in an aggressive manner. He does everything aggressively, he's like a staffy that's been tasered. But no one calls him aggressive.
Joe, Tom and Lotan all with their tops off is making me reconsider my sexuality.
Lotan is conducting an enquiry into egg gate. 'No one man nor a million people' can sway Lotan's opinion. Maybe he can be the new Martin Luther King now Sukvinder's gone.
Rebecca is annoyed that Joe has fingered her for egg gate and said he's a 'nasty old man.' She's a nasty old-looking bitch.
Rebecca is mental, yet not entertaining. Quite a skill there.
Chanelle: 'I've got better things to do than dicuss fucking eggs.' Apparently, I haven't.
Ooh, it's still vote to save! Save Hannah (she proved her worth annoying the other side tonight) and Chanelle.

Monday, 19 June 2017

Big Brother UK 2017: I gnome it's over

So they bump the time slot of Big Brother tonight to 10.30pm so they can show a documentary so depressing no one would voluntarily watch it (I didn't watch, but I know the story and couldn't bear to hear the details again). This is not a good sign for Big Brother, if they care so little they stick it on at bedtime, and shunt the evictions to Thursday for two weeks. Not good.
The 'coming up' for the show looks shit. I hate everyone.
Ellie was 'sick in her sleep.' Um, that's quite dangerous. Ellie basically admits she's a bunny boiler. Ellie 'plus alcohol equals danger'. No it equals a boring TV show.
Joe telling Ellie to sip her drinks, ha.
Lotan is giving Ellie a lecture about fancying him. They have already shown about four more minutes of this conversation than I care about. Lotan's haircut looks like it was done as part of Helen Wood's (drop out) beauty school.
Charlotte and Raph don't like big dicks cos those people are bad in bed. That can definitely be true.
Lotan: 'In here I'm not the dreamboy, I'm just me.' Stop taking your shirt off, then.
Ellie has a nice bum, shame about her IQ.
Chanelle and Kieran are on a secret task. I couldn't quite follow all the rules, but the housemates think one thing and Kieran and Chanelle think another. And there's gnomes.
Kieran has a manbun today. Just when you thought he couldn't be any more of a knob.
Maybe this task is good if I followed the instructions? Everyone seems to be a fan on Twitter. I can't get into it.
What's Lotan mad about? Is he creating a diversion? I can't work it out. I think it's a fake row with Tom. It's like something off Hollyoaks. Rebecca needs to tighten her bra straps.
But the real task is... etc. You know the drill.
Lotan: 'Chico used to be a dreamboy.' Mint banter. 'He used to have long hair and a massive dick.' OK then. They should get Chico on CBB, I actually like him.
I like Chanelle's strategy of 'you don't shave and wear granny knickers when you go on a date so you don't do anything but then you end up having whore sex with a hairy vagina and granny knickers.' Lol. Hannah's face was a picture.
Yay, the housemates are going to get shitfaced again! Drink responsibly, housemates.
Joe in the DR: 'Rebecca's not my cup of tea.' They're going to show him saying that at some point.
The other hms calling Joe 'a flip flopper.' Raph: 'Kindness is not a weakness.' But what about your VT, Raph! Haha.
The sisters are strategising with Raph. Raph has caught the sun.
The housemates are playing truth or dare. Kieran is doing a lapdance for Joe. Anti sexy. I like the fact one of the sister's wigs is just sat on the edge of the sofa like a cat.
Joe has to say 'which housemate is not being their true self.' God, Big Brother loves a shit stir. Joe said Rebecca. Why does he hate Rebecca now? Storyline! Rebecca's face. I would be scared if I was him.
Deborah: 'Joe is mean. He could have said that in a better way.' True. He enjoyed saying it nastily.
Joe is starting on Rebecca again. 'It's not that I don't like you, it's that you irritate me.' Lovely!
Joe: 'The way you talk, the way you smile, the way you act.' Ouch! Joe is definitely not 30 years older than Rebecca.
Was Kieran even there when that happened? Rebecca is moaning he didn't stick up for her.
I like the awkward silence with Joe, Kieran and Rebecca.
Ooh, Joe looming at Rebecca! 'Back away from me now!' Joe: 'Don't bring my daughter into it!' Rebecca: 'I'm somebody's daughter.' She only said 'how would you like someone speaking to your daughter like that'. She didn't say his daughter was an idiotic bint who calls everyone 'babes.' Unrelated: Joe's daughter started on me on Twitter the other day, haha.
Kieran: 'You deserve it' to Rebecca. What a nice guy. What a good friend.
Joe is sitting back chilling now. Rebecca, he didn't start on your appearance. He said your smile annoyed him. I suppose that is part of your appearance though.
Rebecca: 'I'm a thirty two year old woman.' And the rest! No fucking way am I five years older than her, she is in her early forties.
I like Chanelle's unicorn pyjamas. I liked Rebecca calling Joe 'potentially violent', ha.
Rebecca is a little nutty, no? BB calling Kieran to the DR to sort things out with his mum. The DR body language is good.
I didn't think Kieran was there when they had the first conversation! I never saw him.
Well, that was worth staying up for! I'm definitely going to be watching BBBOTS until half midnight! Er...
Have you heard the pod yet? It's a loooooooong ting. Look, Arisa Cox likes it, so if it's good enough for her, it's good enough for you!

Sunday, 18 June 2017

Big Brother UK 2017: I hate it when you waste a shag on someone shit

Oh Jesus. How to carry on? Just keep swimming, I guess. Think of the pod.
Kieran's 'bird is the word' thing is good, isn't it? *kills self*
Oh they don't know Kayleigh's gone yet. Only Rebecca knows the smack Kayleigh was talking in the DR. But will she be honest about it?
Chanelle: 'How can you get mad about someone perceiving you in a certain way when that's how you act?' Good point. Chanelle said Ellie and Rebecca like Kayleigh. Why?!
Tom and Ellie are baking a cake for Raph and singing an annoying song. It's no 'cooking an egg', is it.
Chanelle saying Kayleigh came up 'against a queen' ie her. 'I'm sure she'll be fine with her big fanbase.' Ha.
Rebecca has a maid? Chanelle: 'I'd rather not have that and not be a mard arse whiny princess.' I think I'd rather have the maid.
No one looked that bothered when they found out Kayleigh left. Charlotte and Rebecca are victim blaming. 'When you're angry you say things you don't mean.' What, like you're going to stab someone with a sharp object? They don't actually know the real reason Kayleigh went. Oh hold on, Rebecca does. She just chose to ignore it.
Chanelle: 'She's deffo going to unfollow me.' How were they already following each other?!
Tom and Hannah are making up.. ish. I like Hannah's plaits.
Rebecca still trying to work out why Kayleigh left. Unbelievable. 'It's just an absolute, massive shame.' No it isn't.
Raph going to Lotan: 'Chanelle never threatened Kayleigh.' Go Raph! Kayleigh got evicted, Kayleigh was the one who took it too far, so wind your fucking neck in Lotan, you dumb twat.
Lotan sees himself as the house peacemaker when actually he's the house douchebag.
Big Brother wants to throw Raph a party but he has to do some shit first. Like singing happy birthday in four languages. Cute. Never seen Raph happier than in the DR on his own. Big Brother has finally sussed he's our fave and is giving him some airtime!
Cool, Big Brother giving Raph a quiz about Big Brother! Amazing. OMG the way Raph said the words 'Helen Wood'. What a legend. I love Raph! How knows dates things happened! I don't know those sorts of details. Finally he had to custard pie himself in the face. He is the cutest. Feels like Big Brother actually got a clue with that bit. It felt old skool.
Aw, Raph's got a cake with his face on. I'm glad they did something nice for him.
I wonder what music they're really dancing to at Raph's silent disco? Something shit, no doubt.
Raph looks kinda hot in the bath, just got to put that out there.
The other housemates are so crap. People say they like Charlotte but I don't. Fucking pointless. Anti-tainment.
Chanelle: 'I hate it when you waste a shag on someone shit.' I actually found that pretty funny.
Raph and Chanelle are buzzing in the DR! They have the cutest friendship. I'm sure Kayleigh leaving was a cherry on the cake. Bed buddies! Aw.
Raph: 'We both want to make the most of this experience have have a good time.'
Haha, Big Brother is obviously annoyed they're enjoying themselves so it shitstirs about nomination rule breaks. Ellie and Tom got sent to jail. You shouldn't be allowed to drink in jail. Oh yeah, the jail is the bus stop. I never even realised before, ha.
Even the grumpy sisters are having a laugh in the DR now! What's going on!?
Lotan threw water on Rebecca and said 'can't tell me you didn't get a bitch wet.' Charmed, I'm sure.
Chanelle has a long tongue. She's very coarse, but there's still something sweet about her underneath.
Ellie and Tom seem like genuine friends, even though I can't stand either of them.
Lotan is so irrelevant. I wish they'd stop showing him.
Deborah: 'Rebecca's written a book and I don't even know what the book's called.' I doubt very much if she wrote her own book.
Raph doesn't like Lotan calling women bitches. Yes, Raph!
They are now discussing who should pay on a first date. How long before this ends in a row?
Lotan's never been on a date he's just 'always ended up with people.' Uh huh. Slag.
Chanelle fancies Jeremy Kyle! 'Put something on the end of it.'
Ellie is drunk and touching Lotan up.
Lotan is carping to Tom about Ellie touching him up. Just tell her to stop it.
Joe is giving Ellie a pep talk. Ellie is crying because she's shitfaced. OK, enough with this storyline now. We get it. We don't care.
Tonight felt more like Big Brother than normal. If Rebecca, Kieran, Lotan and Ellie weren't in there with their shitty fake showmances, I could just about stomach it but the last 15 minutes let us down. When is the new blood coming?

Saturday, 17 June 2017

Big Brother UK 2017: I'm not going to come here and beg friends

I can't believe we lost Sukhvinder AND Imran. I'm not guilty, I voted to save Imran as I knew he was vulnerable. I still think it was kind of cool the way Sukhvinder went out with him. Not for us as viewers, obviously. If you want to hear more about that, check out last night's epic podcast.
And apparently Kayleigh goes tonight for threats of violence. Don't let the door hit you on the way out. New housemates needed, stat.
Ooh it's a good warning, violent confrontation, woo.
Oh my God, not more VIPs. Has anyone ever been less welcome in the house? I hate visitors at the best of times, let alone those three.
Sorry I forgot to blog for 15 minutes cos it was so boring.
Ooh Raph said he wanted Kayleigh to go. Happy birthday, Raph, here's our gift to you!
Marnie: 'I think Imran will go.' Well, you've been watching outside so I guess you'd know? Jesus.
Marnie: 'I think Rebecca is holding you back' to Kieran. Yes, from your clutches.
Something is going on with a pinata and Marnie knew we were in Europe, so that's something.
Tom just said he was voting for Deborah next week. Noms talk! Take his nom off him.
Imran threw a water balloon at Nicola and made her mad. Nicola, hardly any of it went on you. Lotan got Kayleigh with a water balloon and she threw one at him quite aggressively. Raph looks nervous. She's demented. Lotan to Kayleigh: 'I understand, you're mad.' That sentence works without a comma, too.
Sukvinder looked resigned when Imran's name got called. He didn't try and convince her to stay. I knew she would go straight away. BB obviously don't care or they wouldn't have opened the door.
Raph crying straight away, aw. Raph is so genuine.
Lotan: 'I'm glad they went together.' I bet you are! Less competition.
So Lotan, Kieran and Raph got immunity. At least Raph got it, that will save me a couple of quid next week. Fuck Lotan and Keiran. Still, at least it wasn't a pass to the final, right?
The sisters are saying they won't leave together. Deborah: 'I need you to represent if I go.' Good. Hannah scrubs up well.
Ellie is worried about voting next time as she likes everyone. That won't last.
Tom's masterful code that 'H' is going to vote for him.
Kayleigh bragging about her 'pre-existing fanbase.' You shouldn't have a fanbase if you're on normal BB, even if her fanbase is only 3 people.
Aw, Hannah is upset about Imran and Sukhvinder going 'even though Imran was a corrupt deputy' lol.
I love Raph slagging off Kayleigh to Deborah! Bring it. 'They're fake, they're talking about you behind your back. The clique is here for longer.'
I didn't know Deborah had a daughter! Raph crying cuddling her. Bless.
Deborah isn't going to 'come here and beg friends. My background is as a minority.' Minority report! Raph is also in minority gang.
Raph: 'Thank god for you, Chanelle and fucking Hannah.' Ha.
Chanelle singing happy birthday to Raph, ha. Royalties!
Chanelle is telling Ellie to make more of an effort with others (ie. get out of Lotan's butt).
Lotan: 'Who's she shadowing?' Who do you think! Ooh then Chanelle said Ellie follows Kayleigh round.
Chanelle: 'Don't start with me!' Kim Woodburn vibes. Trashy people off other shows having trashy fights. Kayleigh: 'Get her the fuck out of here, bruv before I smash her face in.' It's not that bad. It's no pow pow pow.
Chanelle also came at Kayleigh quite aggressively with the chair going back.
All the boys scurrying in, lol.
Kayleigh going to her stock phrases: 'cunt'.
Chanelle didn't throw a drink at you, Kayleigh. She just threw it across the room. Raph: 'You know she's a mean girl.' Ha. I love Raph and Chanelle's friendship.
Kayleigh then beating the crap out of the DR. Saying Chanelle is not 'emotionally stable.'
Kayleigh: 'I will go to prison, I am going to hurt her ten times harder than she'll hurt me, I will pick up any object.. she's six times the size of me. Fat cunt. I will grab a sharp object and smack her with it.'
David Gest suite for Kayleigh. Hopefully she'll be dead in three months (yes I went there).
The others are discussing the situation. Hannah is rowing with Tom now. Tom out next for aggressive behaviour, no doubt.
Chanelle is not happy that Rebecca is going to sleep in the spare room with Rebecca. It's not Rebecca's fault.
Lotan still going on about 'shadow' gate.
Raph and Chanelle sleep together, aw. Too cute.
Chanelle is now on a final warning! Knocking a drink off a table isn't violence, but it is threatening/ intimidating.
Chanelle: 'Has she been told off for saying she'll smash my face in?' Just about to be!
Big Brother reading back Kayleigh's insane words to her. 'I wanted to smash a chair across her face.'
And the rest.
Shades of Daley in Kayleigh's hoodie. Aggressive? BYE KAYLEIGH.
Ex on the beach adverts straight after Big Brother? God help us for the new housemates.

Thursday, 15 June 2017

Big Brother UK 2017: 'Did Martin Luther King give up?'

Seeing Gemma Collins ringing a bell does not make a good start to Big Brother for me. She looks even bigger than last time she was on Big Brother, and I'm not body shaming, I'm just stating a fact cos she's always going on about how much weight she's lost in the shitty magazines I read.
Imran is 'here to provide service with a smile.'
Deborah is appreciating people who sleep on the streets. 'I humbled myself.' Knocking her game up a gear, there.
Lotan 'doesn't see Ellie like that.' I don't care.
Chanelle, despite her surgery etc, feels more like an old skool Big Brother contestant to me. She's comforting in a way. That's how desperate things are. Chanelle is in my top four.
Kayleigh is talking to the GC about her beef with the bedwetter. I DON'T CARE. Marnie is scum. Crosby is scum. Kayleigh is scum. GC is scum. I could go on.
Ugh it's so annoying that Raph and Imran have to wait on these freaks.
Lotan is GRIM. Filth and not in a good way, just a vain, boring dimwit.
Shit, Tom talks just like Glyn 'I'm cooking an egg for the very first time'. I thought I was watching REAL Big Brother then. Mind you, he was a gorm as well.
Sukvinder is crying again. Why? Have the editors gone on strike as well as the viewers? 'Why are we always fighting?' Good question.
Oh they're moaning cos Sukvinder slept in the wrong bed. IDGAF.
OMG at Imran's pep talk! 'Did Martin Luther King give up? Did Malcolm Z give up? Did Nelson Mandela give up? No they fought. Mandela waited in prison for 25 years.'
I just switched off for about ten minutes (mentally, not literally) cos I was getting trolled by Joe supporters on Twitter (they exist!) and Gemma Collins was speaking. Now Kayleigh and Sukhvinder are arguing. Kayleigh: 'You're an absolute cunt.' I bet no one ever spoke to Malcolm X like that.
Marnie talking about Lewis shagging someone else. I DON'T CARE.
Gemma, his name is LOTAN not LEIGHTON. Dumb twat. I'm not blogging anything she says because she's irrelevant. Lotan is having to MASSAGE HER FEET. I would vomit.
PARTY. Ellie loves 'cocktail sausages' (insert Lotan joke here). I feel sorry for Raph for more reason than one, but it's so crap being the only gay in the Big Brother village as well.
Lotan, no one CARES about your ex girlfriend. Lotan: 'If there was a girl in here and I was over her, I could fall in love.' Ellie looks mournful.
Lotan made a video for his girlfriend before he went in there. What a knob. Is he gaming here? I think he's too stupid to be gaming but I think it's also gaming.
I also think he's mean to call Marnie beautiful in front of Ellie when he knows how she feels. As if he's got a chance with Marnie, and Marnie is rotten. That's how low down the food chain Lotan is.
Kieran counselling Lotan is the dumb leading the dumb.
Lotan is draaaaaaaiiiiined. Me too.
Something is happening with Sukhvinder swapping 'staff' but I forgot to care. This is going to make a great podcast. I'm sure it will be a really positive experience!
Sukhvinder chose Imran to be the new Deputy. Fix. I like it when Imran gives Kayleigh backchat.
Ellie's annoyed cos Lotan is mooning over Marnie. I don't blame her, really. But I also don't care.
Marnie is basically saying she wants to shag someone in the DR. Wasn't Lotan's willy insured for 12 million not 86 million?
Lotan  is mansplaining to Ellie about how she should feel about a situation as she sits there bawling. Great TV.
The problem with this programme is we've never got to know the people, and most of the time, there's nothing to know. All we see are manufactured storylines.
Sukvinder and Imran calling Kayleigh a 'fucking ho'! OMG. 'She must have got it rough growing up.' Ouch! They went very 'street' for a second there. I can't really blame them for letting loose though! I'd be calling everyone every name under the sun in there.
All the time GC talks, I'm just looking at that rug, thinking how much I'd like it. Lotan would be great in bed? I guarantee you, he wouldn't.
This blog was sponsored by the phrase 'I don't care'.
Anyway, see you for the podcast tomorrow. Send reinforcements, we're gonna need 'em.