Tuesday, 18 July 2017

Big Brother UK 2017: 'Thick as fuck and desperate for fame'

Why, hello again! Back so soon? Oh God, it's the aftermath of Chanelle's £400 shag. Chanelle is still missing Raph, and Raph got drunk without her. They're in LOVE! Not like that. But they love each other and it's sweet. Who cares if he's a consultant! 
Jake: 'Your gran's gonna watch this.' Chanelle: 'It's my boyfriend so make it look romantic and cuddly.' It wasn't bad. It was just the moaning I could have lived without.
Jake is saying Charlotte is poisoning Andrew against Chanelle, which is true. Chanelle got the whole night to talk to her boyfriend and Charlotte only got five minutes with her mum, so who wins?!
Hannah on Sam: 'I just feel like he doesn't really stand for much.' I'll say. He stands for jack shit. Hannah: All they want to do is become reality stars.' To be fair, you are on Big Brother. Still, I guess no one watches it these days so you won't become a star.
Finally there's a hairdresser in the house, an increasingly orange Andrew, rather than Helen Wood doing her usual moody undercuts. The haircut he did for Ellie looks OK.
Chanelle has some bed hair going on. 'I feel like a proper dirty stop out.' She did get chicken, and a shag and breakfast in bed. Sounds great. Who could ask for more? A whole night of outside contact, too!
Chanelle prefers Raph to her boyfriend as he doesn't snore but she wants to get her end away at the weekend with Jake. I believe Raph and Chanelle's friendship will endure in the outside world.
Chanelle dishing the dirt to Isabelle and Raph about Charlotte trying to 'attack her character'. 
One of the boys has to agree to have a 'back, sack and crack' done. I already know who has it, as I saw it on BOTS, it's Andrew and it looked fucking HILARIOUS. I once tried to wax my own legs and the only thing I've waxed since are my eyebrows. It was excruciating. I cannot imagine the pain of getting your ARSEHOLE waxed. In fact; I thought that was just a made up thing, to be honest. But now I've seen it with my own eyes. Cannot unsee!
I half wish Tom had pressed the button first. I think I'd want my butt doing before my legs because legs are a large surface area! Men shouldn't have shaved legs. Well, not ones who want to sleep with me anyway (form an orderly queue, hairy guys).
Charlotte 'gets her fanny done every month.' I'm just imagining the grow back time in between now. One word: Nair.
Beautician: 'We'll get you up on all fours to do your bum crack.' The housemates are watching! Raph is actually walking away, haaa. What is his problem! I don't think he's in touch with the grooming side of the gay thing. You must suffer like women do, Raph, haven't you heard?
Tom: 'He looks like a roast chicken going in the oven.' That's the funniest thing he's ever said.
Kieran's face watching it all unfold was amazing, like a me watching childbirth. The noises Andrew was making were sublime. You gotta hand it to him; he went the extra mile there. I can't imagine people doing that in a private room, let alone on TV.
Raph is getting to meet a 'Big Brother legend.' Shame it's Josie. Helen Wood would be better, haha. Second Helen Wood mention of the blog. I'll try and get another one in before the end. 
Raph singing about combine harvesters to Josie, I love it. He's the cutest. He's such a fangirl.
Josie's advice is awful. 'These people aren't your friends.' THEY ARE! And telling him to do pranks. Fucking pranks! Let Raph be Raph, Awful advice. Should have got crab eyes in.
Chanelle saying 'I just went in the room for chicken.' Haha. 
Raph is reporting back what Josie said about Charlotte and Andrew and aligning the outside contact advice with Raph's. Chanelle: 'I don't feel so bad about how red Andrew's balls are now.' Ha.
Chanelle discussing having 'old married couple sex that didn't last long' on TV. Hardly seems worth it.
'Deborah and Kieran are talking about cats.' Finally. That's like when I find a fellow cat lover once I start a new job. That magical moment when you're in the company of people like you. Raph is teasing them about moving in together. I think if they were gonna get it on, they would have done it by now.
Chanelle's vagina is throbbing and she's not had a shower. Sounds like a recipe for thrush to me.
Sam and Ellie have been offered the chance to have sex in the boudoir. Well, it worked out well for Daley and Hazel didn't it. Actually I wouldn't mind seeing Ellie get throttled.
Chanelle: 'Make sure they've changed the sheets.' Ha. Why is BB so obsessed with seeing Sam and Ellie get it on? It's not sexy, it's not interesting, it's disgusting. It's not Love Island. Not one person on my timeline wants to see it and I think I'm pretty much following everyone left watching Big Brother at this point.
The housemates are banishing Raph and Keiran from each team. Not sure what that means. Oh, they can't take part anymore or win any money. I'm worried Charlotte will evict Chanelle as part of this task if she gets the chance. That could really happen! Imagine. Wallpaper evicting the star of the show. And don't get me wrong, Chanelle does get on my nerves at times. But she's genuinely funny and entertaining. Charlotte is neither.
Hannah is doing pranks now. Enough with the pranks, everyone! We're not 12 year old boys at boarding school.
Ellie to Sam: 'You are the six foot three funny guy I've never met before.' Six foot two showmance shit! They are pretending they're having their first date. Bit of a weird first date when you're explaining away your jealously and psychosis.
Ellie looks like she doesn't want to sleep with Sam. Big Brother is basically forcing her to.
Charlotte on Sam: 'When he first came in I thought he was thick as fuck and desperate for fame.' So, what's changed? Charlotte: 'Neither of them are too bright.' Nice thing to say about your BFF in the house! Charlotte: 'This task isn't going to end well.' True.
Sam is having an existential crisis in the boudoir because he likes Ellie. What's the problem?
Ooh they're either not having sex, or they didn't show it. Ellie's nana can come out from behind the sofa now.
PS: Big Brother is 17 today. Happy birthday. I still love you, baby. We don't all age well.
PPS: BBUK podcast and BBUS podcast, if you fancy 'em.

Monday, 17 July 2017

Big Brother UK 2017: Vivid magazine dealing

I have picked up the old blogging boots again! Two weeks to go! It's gone slow/fast, hasn't it. How are they going to get rid of everyone? They always manage it, don't they?
VIVID VOMITING, guys. If that doesn't keep you tuned in, what will? It's normally us viewers vividly vomiting about Ellie and Sam's kissing.
Ooh, they are testing them about the money! This should be interesting. The Steal. Like share or SHAFT.
It's mad that Deborah sleeps with Charlotte in Rose Cottage. Shocks me! What about the Exiles? Still, I guess she does have one eye on the other alliance in there.
God, they love a button pushing task on Big Brothers' worldwide, don't they? Job lot of buzzers every year from China, sorted!
The gold team vs the black team! I can't be bothered to write down who is on which. Do you really care? Me neither. In three days time one team will be able to steal all of the money they accumulate, up to 20K.
I love how humpy they are about having to swap bedrooms (each team has to sleep together). Kieran in particular has shown more of an opinion about bed swapping than anything in the house ever. Even Lotan throwing a drink in a woman's face. He is taking his mattress into Thorn Cottage with him. Keiran would rather leave than sleep on someone else's mattress. Leave, then, and take your STDs and bouffy hair with you.
Raph is like a rat up a drainpipe to get the money. Basically you have to press a button anytime an alarm goes off.
Kieran: 'I give you one guess what's wrong' to Big Brother. Big Brother: 'Big Brother doesn't play guessing games.' No, Kieran, you can't sleep in the garden or the lounge (not sure why, think BB is just grinding his gears now). Kieran is risking money from his team's 'prize pot'. Like a pension pot, but probably worth more. I love the way Big Brother is speaking to him. Kieran scuttles off and does as he's told, ha.
I can't watch this task with them eating manky old eggs and vomiting. NOT TODAY. Not any day. I actually feel sick. It's going on FOREVER.
Tom won. But I saw a glimse of vomit coming out of Hannah's nose, so I think she should have won for that, really. Even the vomit GIFs on Twitter are too much for me.
Tom is on the black team. Tom is comparing himself to David and Goliath. 'Don't underestimate the little one.' He must be small if he's calling himself little. Pocket sized prick.
The teams are on 'buzzer watch'. Why are Thicky and Thicky on the same team? So we can still watch them slobber all over each other?
More button pressing! Raph vs Andrew, who blinks first! Andrew, no doubt. Raph did a Luke S with the button and left it too late, but so did Andrew, cos he's a copycat. Don't be too greedy!Mind you, it worked for Jason Burill. And Derrick Lavasseur.
It's interesting watching the housemates eating while button pushing. We don't get to see them eat that often. I'm surprised they can eat after all that egg vom.
Isabelle has been called to the DR and her sister is on the line. Answer the phone, Isabelle! £150 is nothing.
The phone is bronze. Isabelle is bronze. I love Isabelle's scream on the phone. Paris Hilton follows Isabelle on Twitter. Getting to the real gossip there. Paris Hilton is so irrelevant these days she could virtually be on CBB. If she wasn't so loaded. Aw, Isabelle misses her mum's spaghetti bolognese. Cute.
Hannah is missing her mum. Hope Andrew doesn't catch her crying! He'll be furious. Deborah: 'We've taught the world, love your family over everything.' Um, no you haven't. That's a big ask!
'Big Brother has a surprise for you.' Chanelle: 'What is it, chicken and chips?' £400 to spend the night with her boyfriend! Sounds cheap. Can they have chicken and chips with that? Chanelle: 'Oh my God, I've not shaved!' Ha. Is she planning to fuck him! It's basically a conjugal visit. I like the fact they're all shy with each other. I used to be like that sometimes if I hadn't see someone I liked for a while. Sometimes you need ten minutes to get used to them again.
Charlotte to Chanelle: 'Ride that dick!' She learnt that from Mandy.
Jake (Chanelle's boyfriend) is telling Chanelle he doesn't trust Charlotte or Andrew. Might as well just bring in her phone or the paper. He seems a bit boring for her, but who am I to judge true love when I'm just a mean old cat lady?
Isabelle and Sam are talking about life in the outside world and going out in Manchester. Ellie is listening in. Isabelle: 'It's better to go in pairs.' Haaaa.
Chanelle: 'I wish Raph was here' to her boyfriend. 'Have you followed any girls? Have you been on any nights out?' Him: 'No.' Is he locked up or something?! Is he not allowed out?
Ellie is in the DR moaning. 'Other girls make me feel like shit.' You make my favourite programme dogshit. You're absolutely insane.
Raph chugging wine! Hope he goes mental. Oh, he's missing Chanelle. Aw. She missed him too!
Can't they turn the lights down in Chanelle's love nest? I could not sleep without mood lighting. I could not snog under strip lights.
Lol, Raph is shit faced. Raph, don't drink and diary room. It's worse than drunk texting. Oh, he didn't even make it!
Sam likes Ellie. Ellie doesn't want to like Sam. I don't like either of them. All I see on Twit is people complaining about Ellie and Sam. And still they foist it on us.
Oh they've finally switched the lights off in the love shack. OMG Chanelle moaning and groaning! GRIM! It's not so much Love Island as Love Dregs. Not long now. Watch BB19! Listen to our BB19 pod! Then listen to our BBUK pod! Once you've done all that, Big Brother will be on again. Thanks for reading, you're the best.

Tuesday, 11 July 2017

Big Brother UK 2017: Save your energy

Early morning dancing montage! How original. I just watched BB19 again so I'm again pissy with BBUK for being so shit in comparison. Losing in front of your home crowd, indeed!
Deborah getting her message from her baby was cute (and the little girl was gorgeous) but I already saw it on BOTS! Can't they show different stuff on BOTS to the main show?
Charlotte boowooing in the DR that she's not going to get a message from home, you came in with your mum, FFS. She thinks the late entries should have sacrificed their temptations. I kind of see her point, but it's a bit late now. They should have used the energy saving lightbulbs, I guess.
Oh God, Ellie's turn for some first class actressing. Big Brother is going to 'shine a light on it'. Is it Lotan? Is that her mum? Please tell your daughter to get a fucking grip. Why are they always proud? What are they so proud of?
Ellie: 'I'm sorry I took you for granted. Did you get train here?' What about the lightbulb! No time for small talk.
'Have you got a tshirt with my name on?' is vainer than 'Are we being funny, mummy?' Get over yourself! If Ellie wins, I'm emigrating. What am I saying, JASON BURILL won last year. Da fuck.
Charlotte and Sue are seething. Ellie 'forgot to ask about her instagram followers.' My heart bleeds.
Kieran's hair, though! Stop that. OMG his mum has come in clutching a picture of a cat. I didn't have Kieran down as a cat lady. If he is, it makes me like him more. Hold on, he wasn't holding the photo when he came in! Is he ashamed of his pussy? Back to hating him again then.
Sue and Simone: 'They're tolerating us.' They're barely doing that.
I was hoping Andrew was going to get reunited with the ferret. No such luck. Drat!
Andrew turned down the letter! Good man. Strong gameplay. Andrew is now making a funny noise. 'Oooooooooh.' Like an old lady with a knee problem. Victim noises!
OMG that's so cruel to do that do a dog! Oh, she took it! Haha. That's not going to go down well. The dog is gorgeous! I'd take the dog over Charlotte's mum. In fact...
Sam: 'How did the dog get here?' Same way you did, but with more elegance and a better vocabulary.
Ellie is not really a pet person, she's just mad for dick. Sorry to slutshame, but who doesn't like animals? Sicko.
Charlotte and Isabelle have to choose between them who can see their temptation. Bit cruel, isn't it?
Charlotte had her mum in there. But Isabelle came in later.
Isabelle is good to let Charlotte do it. She's so strong! Isabelle didn't look when they showed her mum, ha. Oops.
Mandy telling Charlotte not to sit on the fence. Fuck off! Mandy, she needs a cuddle, not a lecture.
I hate Mandy saying what Chanelle said! 'Daddy says, you gave up your job for this. Take them out one by one, start with Chanelle, move onto Sue, then onto Simone.' She shouldn't be allowed to say that! Get out!
Charlotte: 'That was the best fucking five minutes of my life.' Seek help. Has she never had an orgasm or been to an above average pop concert?
Charlotte piping up to Chanelle cos mummy told her to! Pathetic! Ugh! OMG! 'I'm speaking.' Shut the fuck up. Tragic.
Charlotte: 'That's just my face.' About her resting bitch face. Well, that's true.
Charlotte: 'My job is vocal, all I do is argue with people.' Where can I apply for this? I literally just noticed Charlotte's accent for the first time. I've been watching her on TV for weeks!
Kieran and Raph are arguing about a can of spiced rum and cola. Kieran: 'I'm not going getting it, you go get it.' That's the real Kieran. 'Very selective' - just like his personality. 'Goodwill gesture'? Here's a man who's worked in customer service. A goodwill gesture would be fucking off and not looking back, you fake piece of crap. I don't blame Raph for not shaking his hand after the way he spoke.
Simone is admitting about the bottles. Does anyone care about these bottles!? I don't. Oh, Hannah does. Simone: 'I'm not a liar, and I'm not a bad person.' Not so much debatable as untrue.
All the women keen to have balls tonight.
Kieran giving it the old 'fool me once' George Bush fail speech. I was surprised he managed to get it right.
Charlotte crawling to Isabelle. Isabelle: 'I know I'll be out sooner.' Sooner than Charlotte? Actually, on a vote to evict, she will. And that ain't right!
Chanelle and Charlotte are clearing the air. Charlotte doesn't like being referred to as quiet! What the fuck. Try speaking, then. I prefer Charlotte without a personality. What Chanelle said wasn't malicious in the slightest. It was just a sarcastic comment.
You never see the night cameras anymore, do you? Ellie drawing attention to herself and Sam's dick. I hope they have some condoms in there, cos they're not the brightest sparks, are they? The last thing we need is them reproducing.The only temptation for viewers at the moment is the amount of hype about Love Island on the other side. If I didn't despise showmances, I'd be on it like a Sam up a magazine deal.

Monday, 10 July 2017

Big Brother UK 2017: 'You're the best big brother ever'

I just watched Big Brother US and watching BBUK straight after is such a comedown. It feels dirtier than Simone after draining the drink dregs. It's rough as old boots. I'm like Kieran down the clap clinic watching this.
I still find it odd that Sam sleeps in the room with Hannah and the Exiles. He's clearly part of the 'clique'.
Simone is upset she was called 'dangerous', even though she's clearly dangerous as fuck. She will be bundled out like Kim Woodburn within the week, and not just to the David Gest suite. To the bus stop or the court house.
I kind of like Andrew's skinny body, shameful as that is to admit. Shame about his face and voice and personality.
Charlotte sipping that drink and smirking when Andrew mentioned Simone's modelling is your GIF for tonight.
Chanelle and Raph walking off when Simone sat down wasn't cool, even though they're not bitching too badly. They are bitching a little bit.
Oh fuck, I never pay attention to the rules of the shopping task so I've just rewound it. OK, they have to keep the lightbulb lit up but they'll face a range of temptations (sounds familiar). They can also light up a dancefloor. What?! Is this some recycling shit? Some eco-friendly message here, like Ooglies?
Chanelle saw her nana and went 'waaaaa'. Nana: 'You're doing so well.' Chanelle: 'I know.' Ha! I liked Chanelle asking about her rabbits first, then her boyfriend. 'Does he still love me?' I'm glad he does.
Kieran's hair is getting a bit 'Winston' from Steven Goode's year. And that's not a good thing.
Raph's sister is the cutest! Gorgeous. 'You're the best big brother ever.' He might be, but this show isn't. His reaction was cute.
Sue: 'I've had one kick off in the house and you won't see another one.' Okey dokey. Cut to Sue's next kick off in 30 minutes time.
Simone pleased with herself that she can control her anger. Well done, you're a sentient adult (just)!
I keep forgetting Tom is in there now all his lackies have gone. His girlfriend couldn't even be bothered to come in then? No cutch for him! Wales is a bit of a way away, isn't it? 'You need to handle your drink a bit better.' Tell off times! Everyone on Twitter is moaning that Paris was meant to have dumped Tom but then she phoned him. I do not give a fuck about Tom and his lovelife. Zzzzz.
Simone digging Tom out for draining the energy out the lightbulb, ha.
Hannha is seeing her sister Mary. She already has one sister in the house! Greed! Can't Deborah see her as well?
Mary: 'You and Deborah are killing it!' I love Hannah crying. Mary: 'Listen to Deborah!' Mary talks exactly the same! Haha, Mary saying Deborah should get with Kieran. I'm glad Mary said Raph and Chanelle are cool.
I love Hannah telling Deborah her mum is happy with Kieran! Then running to tell Kieran! Then Kieran running after Deborah! Aw! He's not good enough for her, but that was cute. But what about the STDs, bruv? NOT GOOD. Put something on the end of it.
Housemates dancing montage! Standard.
The Exiles and the Clique are united in their hatred for Simone. Sam: 'I've got to get her out, she's doing my head in.' Noms talk! As soon as Simone goes up, she's a goner.
Simone doesn't even get a call, she just gets a letter! 'Dear mam, it was great when you stuck that bread up your arse.' Whatevs, no one cares. Bring back Calum Best's letter from home. Legacy.
Simone's kids are proud of her! Is it because she's not punched anyone in seven days?
Kieran going 'she's still a mother'. So cynical! He doesn't give two fucks about Simone. Andrew saying he's happy Simone got her letter. Lies!
Is Simone reading her apology off a cue card? Andrew is being quite sanctimonious tonight.
Simone admitting to Sue she 'did the bottles'. Sue will rat on her, deffo.
Look at the state of Ellie. Jesus. What is she even crying about? Desperate or what? I thought she'd seen a clip of Sam saying he liked Isabelle but not even. That'll be next. Give your head a wobble! Lay off the Smirnoff Ice. What has Sam even done?
Hannah needs to become a counsellor if she's not already. JOURNEY! Check.
Sue is right that Ellie requires a lot of mollycoddling and it's tiring. Ellie whining that Isabelle is better than her. Yes, she is. Also, put a duvet cover on that bed, you filthy beggars.
Sue criticising Chanelle to Raph. Know your audience! Chanelle has good relationships with the sisters and Isabelle. That would bug the hell out of me if someone said that about me. Most of Chanelle's friends are girls, except Raph.
Hannah having to counsel Chanelle now! Poor Hannah, who counsels her? Chanelle: 'No one sticks up for me.' That is so me, haha. It's horrible when you feel like your friends don't stick up for you.
Isabelle's counselling isn't quite as good as Hannah's. 'Who gives a fuck what a 50 year old woman has to say?' Haha. 'There's a lot of people who look up to you.' Let's not go too far.
Sue comes in the room and Chanelle goes off bawling. Oh, put a sock in it, Sue. I don't really get her strategy, going in there and targeting one of the favourites? Is she trying to topple the favourite to become the favourite? She's trying to take down a dictator but she doesn't have the back up. She doesn't have an army. You can't do it alone, Sue. It doesn't work that way. Not even during hurricane season.

Sunday, 9 July 2017

Big Brother UK 2017: Checking the cheese

Sorry no blogs for a bit, it's been a busy old week. Behind on life in general.
I don't like this cunty side of Chanelle. I agree Simone is a mess, but Chanelle should rise above it, not lie down with the dogs.
I actually agree with Charlotte that if you're a nice person, you don't have to tell everyone, but the fact Charlotte mentions 'grabbing her popcorn' says it all. She's merely a spectator in the house. No wonder Simone forgets her name.
Sue and Simone are both total drama queens. The amount of airtime they're getting is annoying.
Stop saying 'don't come for me', Chanelle. You're not Sukhvinder.
Queen task. The public chose Chanelle, Ellie and Deborah to take part in a pageant. Hannah didn't look too happy. Aw, I feel sorry for Hannah! Why would people choose Ellie!? Argh. People don't really like Ellie... do they?
Chanelle saves her farts up and does one a day so the toxins don't go up into the 'oxone layer.' Considerate. Sam is always trying to annoy her!
Chanelle's Manchester song was quite good, wasn't it?! Sort of. God, this episode is hard to blog. This task is boring.
I like how bitter Chanelle is about the whole thing and Ellie getting a higher score than her.
Simone stacked it.
I'm glad Deborah was crowned queen. Chanelle stealing the crown was funny, though. Who coughed 'airtime'? Haha.
Chanelle is being such a diva today. Sue gave the word 'confident' four vowels. I'm sooooo tired of Sue.
Aw I love the facy that Deborah is getting loads of confidence this week. It's nice to see her with a twinkle in her eye.
Ooh, Simone can hear Chanelle slating her through the wall. Simone's garden is worth more than 15 grand. What's in it? Gold gnomes? A magic money tree?
Chanelle looks like she's had extra botox in the house. These days, I wouldn't be surprised if she actually had. I do agree that Simone is playing the victim, but Chanelle is kind of feeding into it. Simone is filth and is trying to get Chanelle to punch her. Even Sue could see it. Chanelle needs to be smart especially as she's on her 'final warning'.
Hannah is comforting Simone for 'ending up in prison.' Didn't they used to not be allowed in with criminal records? Hannah is being good with her. Simone is simply storylining as far as I'm concerned. I have no sympathy for her whatsoever, even though I did feel a little bit sorry for her last night when Isabelle and Chanelle went past her snickering.
Simone is sticking a slice of bread up her bum. Not sure why. 'I didn't ask for the bread with Nutella on it.' Ick.
Raph would not date anyone in the house... aw. Poor loopy Andrew is denied again. He'll still be begging him for hugs later, no doubt.
Sam and Kieran kissing is the least sexy thing on the planet. It's induced lesbianism in me. Sam considers that 'pulling' Kieran. Mind the STDs.
Why is Chanelle so mad about Sue, admittedly talking shit, to Simone? It's got nothing to do with her!
Simone is still saying she didn't hide the bottles. Who gives a fuck about the bottles. I'm just waiting for Big Brother to show it on the screen.
Simone is attention seeking in the hot tub. Ellie is 'checking the cheese' in the store room, ie. snogging jug-eared ignoramus Sam. I love the fact Hannah comes in and checks the tumble dryer, she doesn't just leave them alone! 
Simone is a disgrace and a drunk mess. Someone needs to keep an eye on her. I don't trust the producers to do it.
Andrew: 'It must be hard being so drunk.' Simone walks straight into it. I'm amazed she hasn't been thrown out yet.
I love Hannah trying to save the situation. Simone: 'You're looking at me like I'm a fucking dog' to Andrew. Weeeeeeellll. What is Simone eating? Pineapple.
Simone is always making shit up people say and denying what she has said herself.
Andrew is having a hissy fit. 'She's a dirty person, nah nah nah, she is dangerous, she's fucking vile, I don't like it.' Andrew is mental! He started that, Simone was walking away!
Simone: 'He tried to take the piss out of me because I'm drunk, it's his own fault.' She's kind of right. But also... she is a worry. She is an accident waiting to happen, and Big Brother knows it, and is exploiting her. I don't think I like it either.
Ooh, we did a podcast today! Hopefully a BB19 one coming soon!

Tuesday, 27 June 2017

Big Brother UK 2017: It would be great if Kanye West becomes President

Chanelle is upset the tree of love doesn't hug back. 'It's so one sided, this relationship.'
Joe quite suits being a hippy. He's in touch with his feminine side now and wears his partners clothes. Fair enough. I like this less 'laddy' Joe.
Kieran is in the kitchen mansplaining to Hannah about how she doesn't listen. Ironic, really.
Deborah: 'When the bad apple is removed, the other apples can grow.' It is weird how they're all being positive now. I reckon they've been read the riot act off screen.
I like Chanelle's doll in bed prank. Where is that doll even from? Is it one of Arthur's mannequins?
Writing materials to write songs! Don't tell Nasty Nick. This lot are too thick to write down nom ideas.
These housemate raps are driving me mad. I can't be bothered to comment on them, it's so pointless. The only notable thing so far was Isabelle singing about Chanelle and calling her Chantelle and doing a really odd performance. Isabelle is soooo weird. So weird. I feel like she has a personality disorder. Chanelle wasn't too happy.
Isabelle uses a brillo pad to exfoliate. A brillo pad! What does she do her dishes with!? A cement mixer?
Chanelle mispronouncing 'faux fur'. She mispronounced it 'fox' which doesn't sound great.
Glitter boobs time. I like Joe getting into the spirit. He is living for this task. The boobs look quite good in glitter. It's like the glitter holds them up a bit. Joe: 'You shouldn't doubt your boobs, nothing wrong with them, love.' Thanks for that, Joe. Now stop looking at the girls' boobs.
Tom does look like a novelty Santa, I agree with Ellie there.
Eww, Tom is holding hands with Ellie. Gross. No showmance, please, especially not with those two creeps.
Joe is encouraging Raph to rank the guys in order. Raph said Kieran than refused to high five him. Leave that twat hanging. I don't want Kieran to start getting a good edit now. He's a nasty person.
Why is Tom storylining about his girlfriend? Does he mean Lotan?
Isabelle wants to find a boyfriend in Marbella. She wants 'a temporary boyfriend for the summer.' Sounds good.
Is the tree of love a real tree? Savannah is annoyed she can't lean on the tree. Savannah is annoying.
Ugh, is Kieran trying to showmance Charlotte now? Desperate times.
Nice to see Kieran cuddling the sisters, until he dry humped them. Deborah is praying for Jesus to give her more weeks in the house. I'm sure he's got better things to do.
Raph and the sisters are shoring themselves up, hoping not to go. 'If the public evicts us, we can say we've been ourselves.' I think they're good on a vote to evict.
The housemates are talking about who they'd vote for. Raph said he would have voted for Labour over here. OMG Raph saying he voted for Donald Trump. Hannah's reaction! LOL! It was like he'd punched her in the face. Raph, you shouldn't have said that two days before noms. 'We need shade before we need light'. WTF. Raph, shut your mouth. I thought you were bullshitting or VT lying about Trump.
Charlotte: 'I don't know enough about politics... it would be great if Kanye West becomes President.' You're right, you don't.
A moth in the Big Brother house. I think we had a whole podcast title based on Wolfy and a moth back in the Big Brother Bile days. RIP.
Fucking hell, that's not a moth! That's a monster. If that was in my house, I'd move out. It looks furry!
Kieran going 'come here' to the moth and Tom going 'it can't speak, mate.' Does he mean 'listen'? The moth is more eloquent than Tom.
I did like Kieran rescuing it at the end and Charlotte going 'I hate nature!'
Everyone was moaning that it was a boring episode, but it was OK. You can't have fights every night. To paraphrase Raph/ Patrick Wolf: 'If it's never dark... how you gonna know the sun when it shines?'
Also, podcast. Also, BBUS starts tomorrow, if you've never watched it, give it a go. We'll be podcasting and it's fun. It's my favourite international Big Brother.

Monday, 26 June 2017

Big Brother UK 2017: BBUK - The apology tours

I don't think it's really fair to put all the housemates up for eviction. They never use evictions as a punishment when it's just one or two acting up! Unfair to people who did nothing, ie. Raph, Charlotte (so what's new?) and (weirdly) Joe.
It's the morning after the night before. It's funny how different people see things, isn't it? Both in the house and on Twitter. People HATE Chanelle on Twitter. I don't know why, I think she's got a good heart under all the crap.
Chanelle: 'People do need to be told off, last night scared me. I've not come here for that.'
Deborah casually going 'morning' to the room of dickheads. Savannah saying the dickheads need to travel 'as a pack.'
Charlotte went: 'How is Deborah still here?' Keiran: 'The rules in this place are corrupt. It's like politics.' No, aggressive men get thrown out (Lotan), as do aggressive women (Kayleigh).
Ellie, Tom and Kieran slagging off Isabelle and comparing her to a three year old. Yawn.
The house has been transformed into a hippy commune. I like the tie dye table cloths. I thought it was a punishment at first because they'd removed the sofa.
Ellie needs to go next. I can't stand her. Her or Tom. I'm a bit worried about everyone being up! Imagine if one of the sisters went because it's a split vote?
Chanelle is waiting for an apology from Ellie. Good luck. Chanelle: 'The house needs witchcraft.' I'm not sure about that.
Raph and Deborah are at the tree of love singing about 'love, peace and harmony'. Savannah's stage outfit is 'kind of risky.' She is 'kind of an idiot.'
Hannah is called to the diary room and Kieran calls her a lemon. Hannah has a bruise on her face from when Ellie punched her. Did Ellie punch her? I didn't see that. Big Brother has reviewed the tape and said Ellie didn't punch her. Damn.
Savannah calling Hannah and Deborah 'sly fucks.' This dumb cow has been outside and is choosing the evil path. Thick or what?
Hannah wants to 'be a conductor of 'love peace and harmony.'
I enjoy the split house, as long as the numbers are quite even and the idiots get themselves thrown out once or twice a week.
I saw a lot of people on Twitter saying Joe could have diffused the situation last night. But Joe's not a diffuser, he's an instigator.
Tom thinks Lotan's been kicked out, because he SAW the way Lotan was in the DR. I'm glad they're letting them stew on it. Isabelle thinks there's no tension or negative vibes in the house anymore. Not sure about that.
I like the marquees and all the quilts and stuff. Looks like my house. More so than normal.
Chanelle keeps the mood up in the house, getting them to give each other compliments. It's sweet.
Isabelle calling the other side 'miserable cunts.' Ha. Not sure about Chanelle's leather baseball cap. Might put that on the eek list.
Savannah: 'The only power we have is sticking together as a group.' Can Chanelle hear that? I love her falling on the floor and complaining about the negativity.
Savannah: 'He was wrong to swizzle the drink.' He didn't swizzle it, whatever the fuck that means. He threw it in two women's faces, dumbo. God, she's annoying.
Housemates are getting a tell off for not listening to Big Brother 'during heated conversations.' Tannoy tell off! 'Big Brother must be able to seperate housemates over the tannoy.' But you're not able to do that, Big Brother.
I'm glad they said about Lotan's behaviour 'in the house, in the diary room and over the past few days.' Big Brother encourages the housemates to 'show tolerance.'
Was good to see Hannah and Tom making up even though he's a cretin. Ellie and Deborah also making up. Ellie is so thick. She doesn't understand basic English.
I love Deborah saying 'I panicked and wanted to go home' about her bolting up the stairs. Revisionist history! Lol. Good excuse, though.
Ellie you went 'come on, hit me!' Let's not any of us pretend we didn't know what was happening.
Even Tom and Chanelle are making up. Have they all been forced to make up? This feels fishy as fuck.
Hannah is saying Charlotte picked a side. Yeah, we noticed it, too. Charlotte hidden up the corner like Frankie Dettori under the kitchen counter. She's about as entertaining as him, too.
Hannah and Isabelle are a weird friendship. Isabelle does look like a clown and she's a weird person. But she's interesting. I wonder if the tide will turn with her now Lotan's gone.
Ellie and Tom seem to be over Lotan already, which is odd. Ellie making up with Raph and saying they're going to become better friends. We'll see. This all feels fake as fuck. Are they reading these apologies off cue cards?
They're now chanting 'I'm at one with the Big Brother house' whenever a noise goes off.
Not buying Ellie's cheeky chappie persona now Lotan's gone. Hannah's singing is fucking awful. That would drive me mad, to be honest.
I love the fact on BBUK they DO just give them more drink. On BBUS, they get no drink because, well, death threats.
Chanelle has been called to the DR for another tell off. But she's on a final warning. Oh, now they're saying because she didn't start the row, it doesn't count that she threw her drink. Nice. I like the fact they're just making it up as they go along. What will the excuse be next time!
Deborah is now getting told off for going up the stairs after Ellie. Big Brother says 'in the moment it seemed...' Ha! It was. She was 'just annoyed Lotan was back in the house and felt scared'. Don't blame her. She was just trying to get to the exit, honest, guv. I love it. Good one! Viewers may have found it offensive! I found it hilarious.
Save us from Ellie's 'jokes' please.
I agree what Isabelle said about Lotan's son wasn't bad. She's 100% correct. It wasn't about Lotan's son. It was about Lotan and it touched a nerve. 'With the others, I feel like they're just being nice cos they've got to be. It's either be nice or look like an absolute twat.'
Raph is talking to Kieran. It's weird seeing people who never talk being made to talk, like a storyline that's been forced upon them or a bad soap opera.
Raph is sticking up for Deborah running up the stairs. Kieran: 'You'd be scared if you were at the top of the stairs and I took my jacket off and ran at you.' Raph: 'I don't know.' I love his loyalty to Deborah because Kieran is actually right for the first time ever.
I hate the fact they're trying to give Ellie a 'fun edit' now Lotan's gone. Gross. We can remember a day ago, Big Brother! Don't fuck about.
Joe in the pink feathers, ha. Deborah is painting Kieran's nails. Joe is trying to get off with Deborah, asking which of the guys she fancies, lol. She put him down! Joe: 'Fuck peace, love and harmony.' It's nice to see them smiling for once!
Ooh, it's vote to evict! Bye, Tom! Next month's phone bill just went up, up, up.