Friday, 20 January 2017

Celebrity Big Brother 2017: Trying to take down Bambi

Womb people
They fucking love pressing buttons in Big Brother, don't they? All around the world, Big Brother contestants press buttons. Derrick, Luke S, Ika, Dan Gheesling, Jason Burrill... even Nicola McClean is an old hand at it.
Ooh Emma's pink lipstick looks divine. I don't mind her hair or coat either. Still not a fan of the rapist gloves, but I'll give her a pass for now.
Ooh are there 'who's on the block' spoilers depending on who's dressed up tonight, ala BBUS? I have avoided seeing who's on the block cos I want to enjoy the button pushing in all its glory.
Coleen and James C in the old codgers corner. James: 'Don't, don't' at the thought of Jedward's lapdance. Hold on, Coleen didn't Coleen a lapdance for Calum! Hypocrite. Chloe is everything Coleen doesn't want her daughter to be. Well, fair enough.
Chloe is wrapped in a blanket that looks like a furry pink vagina. Picking her nose in the diary room: a new low.
Jedward annoying Nicola and saying 'is it your time of the month?' That's not going to go well.
Bianca likes Jamie, eww. What for?!
Chloe can barely speak. 'Have you ever been to Ibiza before?' to James C. His face tells me not. I guess Borehamwood swimming pool isn't as warm as San Antonio.
I do sympathise with James C but he's coming off a bit snooty now, what with refusing the costume and sneering at Chloe. It's too easy to sneer at Chloe: believe me, I know. But it's a trap Big Brother has set us.
Ha, Stacy and Bianca are telling Chloe off for being 'on Calum' last night. Can't Calum speak for himself. Is he incapable of saying no? Now cuddling her! MIXED MESSAGES. Calum is such a vagina tease. No, 'fanny tease' works better.
OK so here's the button pushing. If you push the button before your sidekick, you're safe. If neither push, you're both safe. If you lose, you're on the block.
EVERYONE is gonna push it, unless they wanna go home. We know Nicola can push a button quick. Quicker than two Jedward. 'Save save save' and 'Me me me' not as good as 'shred shred shred'.
Speidi AND Bianca didn't press! Aw!
Ooh, Kim vs Calum! I know Kim's up! Boo. Ooh, Kim didn't even press. Good gaming! Typical selfish fanny rat Calum.
I like James's fake pressing of it. Ooh, Jessica didn't press either. James wants to go! Denied.
Jamie vs Coleen! Will they press? How much conferring time did they get? Coleen didn't push and Jamie did! Shit.
Nicola: 'Coleen won't take it personal.' James: 'Oh, she will.' Lol.
Stacy, press the button! She pressed it HARD! Haha.
Up for eviction is Chloe, Kim, Coleen and Jedward! Hope Jedward is safe. I also hope Kim is safe. I don't think Coleen deserves to go. Chloe should go.
Jedward are getting more cheers than previously. I LOVE their glittery jackets.
Stacy apologising for pressing the button to Chloe. Who cares? Chloe doesn't count. Just ask James C.
So Stacy is getting moaned at for pressing but Calum gets a pass? Pft. What about Jamie? He pressed too. Seems like it's fine for the guys to push buttons but not girls. Ooh, James C is calling Jamie a rat. Love it!
Calum: 'I have no loyalty to Kim.' He has no loyalty... ever.
Stacy shouting at Jedward is good for their game when the phonelines are open. Jedward are the house punching bag.
Ooh Bianca has a boyfriend outside by the look of things! Stephanie Davis times. Imagine leaving your boyfriend for Jamie. Yick.
Jedward: I've not seen so much guyliner since John James was in the house. They don't think Stacy is allowed an opinion because she doesn't have a single out. 'It's like trying to take down Bambi.' Should Jedward be referring to THEMSELVES as Bambi? That's pretty weird.
Claum flashing his arse at Stacy. He's such a slut.
Jessica's accent is horrendous. I can't bear it. WHY are we not seeing more of Speidi?! I'm mad.
Oh God, Stacy vs Jessica again. Why is Jessica not up so we can get rid of her? Even her own mother wouldn't save her.
Now instead of one upping childhoods, they're one upping bad times in the BB bungalow.
Ooh Coleen saying Jessica is full of shit, ha. Love it.
Calum's jacket with the lips on is non-stop eek.
They didn't push a 'buzzer' they pushed a 'button'. Where are the electric shock suits? We've had the fish guts. Electric shock suits are better. Except James C won't wear his.
I really hope Chloe goes. Some hope, right.
Kind of explains why Bianca is so quiet if she has a boyfriend. Her and Jamie are future planning. Dubai, but first stop, magazine deal. All these scummy celebrities to to Dubai, don't they? I wouldn't go to Dubai if you paid me.
Calum appears to be rubbing something on Chloe's boobs.
God, it's so bright in that bedroom. Calum: 'Think about your careers' to Jamie and Bianca under the covers. What careers? What's your career?!
Ooh here we go. Jedward doing their Twitter shout outs, lol. That's so BBUS.
Ooh they are telling them who got the MOST votes. And it's COLEEN. WTF! That's gonna throw the cat among the pigeons. That is random. Who is voting this year? Must be oldies voting for James C and Coleen. I'm glad they told the house that, though.
Anddddd we're back.
So one housemate gets eternal immunity (Helen Wood) and one gets eternal nominations (Bear).
Jedward have different hairdos! OMG it's Chloe! YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS. I love you. Finally you see sense.
I actually don't mind her rubbery catsuit. The only bad thing about her leaving is it's a relief for Calum.
James C is having a great night! His bessie saved and the irritant gone. Should have pushed the button. Should have taken the car, Pieface. Should have used the veto, Marcellas. Shoulda, coulda, woulda. It's your fault, Chloe, not Stacy, not anyone else's.
Chloe was only in for a week but I bet it was easy to do her best bits. She gets best bits. Austin didn't even get best bits.
Notice Emma doesn't have a go at Chloe for her base behaviour in the house.
Don't let the housemates choose who gets eternal immunity! Bollocks. Let us choose. Don't do a Pauline!
Big Brother is stuttering.
Bianca chose Jamie, Calum chose James C (doesn't he want to go!), Coleen chose James C for being 'her rock' (Paul Burrell times), Speidi chose Nicola, James chose Jamie (why!!!! Why not Coleen), Jamie chose James C (not Bianca!), Jedward chose Spencer and Heidi (aw), Jessica chose Jedward (sweet!), Kim chose Jedward too! Amazing. Nicola chose Coleen (trying to crawl to the public). Stacy chose James C.
James C: 'Now they can see the real me.' He's gonna go the full Helen Wood. You pigeon chested twats!
James C nominated Speidi for eternal nomination! Nooooo! Whhhhhhhhy? Hopefully Speidi will buck up their ideas now. I wanna see them GO TO WAR.
At least Calum or Jamie didn't get the eternal immunity. GROSS!
I consider tonight a win. We live to fight another day. Jed safe and Speidi safe... for now. I have heard rumours of some exes coming in, including Calum's ex? Who next? The guy who delivers Calum's papers? Calum's dentist? Calum's hair technician? Calum is not that interesting. Flip the script, Big Brother. Use your imagination. Or just leave shit alone. One or other.

Thursday, 19 January 2017

Celebrity Big Brother 2017: I'm being banged by Jedward

Borehamwood swingers party livens up
Did Kim spend the night in the David Gest suite? There's a conspiracy against her, my love.
I love how Kim just comes back into the house with a smile on her face. Calum doesn't like her 'vibe or demeanour.' Jamie looks hungover. My mum said he's 'lovely' and 'handsome'. I had to double check who she was talking about as I thought it couldn't be him.
OK so the task is superheroes and sidekicks but James is refusing to wear lycra. You're an actor, surely you wear whatever you're paid to wear. Also, I'm now imagining what he looks like in the outfit. He can't stop me. I'm picturing him in hot pink lycra.
Jedward are the 'Defensive Duo' and Nicola is their sidekick Mean McLean, haha. I can't be arsed to write down all the other names cos most of them aren't funny. Ha, Calum has to be Kim's sidekick. Unluckly. Bonka from the strip club is Speidi's sidekick.
Kim likes her tea like I do, weak and milky, hehe. I like seeing Calum having to bow and scrape to Kim. I just wish it was Jamie. Jedward are going to spank Nicola until she can't feel her butt? Sounds a bit sexual for them. Nicola is making them a manky cup of tea (ie. how I'd like it). This is not that exciting.
Out of context CBB highlights: Coleen saying, 'I'm being banged by Jedward!'
James C is trying to psychoanalyse Kim. Good luck, mate. I don't think she'll dare take him on. He looks weary. He's war torn in there.
Ooh, Jedward's dark lipstick is kind of sexy in a weird way. They are happy with their superhero outfits cos they enhance their figure. Something about Enya and shamrocks.
Kim is stroking Calum. I love Jedward annoying Nicola. This task is boring, though.
Calum is showing off his package in the diary room. We've already seen it all on Skype, mate. He's got a long skinny one. Eek! So gross.
Kim and Nicola are... making up? Ok, not making up. Nicola is worried Kim isn't getting 'resolvement.' Resolvement sounds like a hangover cure. James C is right, Kim is like a dog with a bone.
The truest thing Nicola ever said was 'how can everyone be wrong and you be right?' Kim: 'They crucified Jesus.' Comparing yourself to Jesus is fun, though.
For the next task, Big Brother is doing CGI. CGI! They could have spent that money on decent housemates. Still got some fish guts left over from yesteryear, though. James C appears to be wearing lycra now he's on the green screen. Turncoat! That part of the task was quite amusing, I guess.
Why have a cold shower?! Just don't have a shower for a day. Who cares? Oh, they were covered in bird shit? Weeeelll.
Kim wouldn't like to sleep with a guy who has a pierced penis or gold teeth. I think you're probably OK, my love. Stick to the mucky movies!
Chloe is gossiping with Jessica about kissing Calum on the lips. Her lips are disgusting, she looks deformed.
The housemates now have to drink a 'truth serum'. Apparently the truth serum is Apple Sours. I have a friend who's mad for Apple Sours. I could find out all his secrets!Nicola has had naughty thoughts in the Big Brother house, and so has James C. Lovely.
James C said he found Kim the most irritating! More irritating than Chloe! Ouch.
Jamie has 'very strong feelings' for Bianca. It's a classic case of Big Brother brain. What a numpty. Run, Bianca, run! He's coming on way too strong.
Jessica is crying about Chloe and Calum again. I love Stacy calling her a clown. Stacy is coming into her own lately. Jessica is absolutely pathetic. The sappiest housemate I've ever seen. Waste of airtime.
Jedward listing Britney songs looked very rehearsed. I don't like that.
Chloe is trying to molest Calum. He looks disgusted by her, yet he lets her sit on his lap. Why? He just loves the attention!
Jessica wants to hang out with Kim outside the house. Yet more evidence of her being deluded. Kim is going to treat her. That was a weird nice side to Kim for a second there. Kim is an enigma. Maybe it's just alcohol that turns her psycho?
Chloe has gone to put a bikini on and is now gyrating on a Jedward. He seemed to like it! They she pushed him over in a chair! Was that John or Edward?! Lol. I think she was trying to make Calum jealous.
Spencer telling Chloe to pursue Calum harder, haha. Nice one.
Jamie in the DR being a sap: 'Bianca's got a fantastic aura.' You don't, you're like a little pug. He's going a bit OTT with her now. Give the girl a break. Stalker alert!
Calum isn't drinking. He's patronising Chloe yet calling her gorgeous. It's a mixed message! The show ends on Jamie and Bianca in bed. WEAK ENDING. Nobody likes a weak ending.
Get someone out! Who's even on the block? What's going on with this show? Who knows? I've decided Kim is good value though, just because impressions and memes of her have been making me laugh all day. Kim to win? Could be worth a squirt!

Wednesday, 18 January 2017

Celebrity Big Brother 2017: Marshall lathers

Gotta be starting somethin'
Just watched last night's live feed and some interesting bits! I would kill to see a few hours of Jedward or Spiedi a week just chatting. Instead we just get fake arguments and stripping off. Zzz. Spencer said he knows Chloe is going to win because he knows the British public and we're sick, basically.
James C not impressed with Kim's antics. 'A terrible desperation.' Spencer is winding her up. How come he gets away with it?!
Chloe: 'I wonder who's got the biggest willy of all the boys.' Chloe thinks Stacy means James C has got a big one, but she actually meant James J. Dearie me, lovey.
Kim calling Spencer 'trash' and 'scum'. 'We don't mix with scum, we wash it down the sink. I never look for trouble, my love.'
Jamie fancies Bianca, but I don't think she likes him. Why would she? He has nothing going for him. Nicola's jealous. 'I thought you were thinking she was more of a friend?' Transparent.
Door wars! This is what passes for entertainment in the Big Brother house. Spencer vs Kim. Petty. Is it warm or is it hot? It's fucking freezing out. Heidi is keeping out of it, I notice. Look, she's actually in a seperate room to her husband. Insane! They have progressed. To be less fun. But I do believe this being nice bullshit is just fake as well.
Kim has given up on the door war because it's childish. Yes, it is childish. Spencer giving it back to her and calling her scum as well. His game is not on point at the moment. I'm hoping he'll step it up a gear or two soon.
Chloe: 'What does 'wordly wise' mean?' 'Albert Ein-thing.' Nice try, you knew what he was called. She's probably in Mensa. Ok, maybe not.
James C breaking down if your eyes pop out when you sneeze. What is a 'fishwife's tale'? It's an old wives tale! The thick is rubbing off on James C.
Calum is educating Chloe on dinosaurs. 'God bless you.' He's so patronising.
It must be the egg that comes first, not the chicken. I agree with Jamie. Chloe: 'God you're dead clever, I would never think it.' Lol. Chloe, put some clothes on already.
Chloe is flashing her arse at John and rubbing her arse on his back. Oh Jesus. He's 'not attracted to her.' Don't blame him!
Nicola is trying to get Bianca to get off with Jamie now because she can't. Bianca 'thinks he's lovely.' Doesn't sound like she does.
Wow, Chloe is getting a warning or rubbing her arse on John. Well, thinking about it, Aaron Frew did less. I guess as a girl you get away with mild sexual assault better. And can't we have that, at least? You men have everything else! I don't see it as a big issue, to be honest. What does John/and or Edward say about it? I'd like to hear their conversation about it after.
They're rattling through the eviction quickly. I like Bianca's nightie she's wearing and her flasher mac. Heidi is crying at James going. Ha, Spencer is, too. Man up. Wow, Heidi and Spencer are still crying. Jedward trying to comfort them. Is Spencer fake crying? I wouldn't put it past him. I think this is just a new dimension to their game, to be honest.
Chloe to Calum: 'Tell me what you like about me and I'll tell me what I like about you.' Calum: 'Your bone structure.' 'What's that?' My least favourite thing(s) about Calum is his weird ears and hair transplant if you were wondering. Oh, and his personality.
Spencer doesn't like getting a hug, even off James C. James C's hugs look great.
Now Spencer is being anti-Jedward too! BOO!
Jamie: 'See them jumping on the bed?' So what?! What do you care if they jump on the bed? It's not your bed. Fuck off. You wouldn't mind banging the shit out of Bianca on the bed, rat face, so zip it.
Bianca is drunk. She's obsessed with killer whales. I didn't see that coming. That's like Calum suddenly announcing he's into panpipes.
TAPS ON TIMES for Jamie and Bianca! Yuck. She must be desperate. He's gross. She's gone down in my estimation now.
Ooh I saw this on the live feed last night, 'I've had a worse life than you' one upping is as low as it gets. Lowest common denominator. Stacy and Jessica: 'I've been slapped around.' 'I've been through worse.' Shut up. Gross. Don't use your life experience as a bargaining chip.
What is the point of this Jessica idiot? She's come in the house, with a boyfriend, tried to get off with Calum and is now shouting about her awful life. Yeah, it is pretty awful. Tragic looking at it from here. What a loser. Also Kim buried her stillborn baby, so she wins/ loses.
I've started liking Stacy now, just because I'm familiar with her and know her personality. She was there on day one! She's a survivor.
Oh God, Kim is kicking off at Nicola again. Tiring. I'm worn out. Kim: 'I don't leave things.' Aint that the truth!
Nicola is drunk. 'Go to the diary room and don't ever come back.' We wish! I would end up punching Kim so I think Nicola is being very restrained. Kim is like a mum or gran out of a Virginia Andrews novel. She shitstirs then acts the innocent! 'Here just get in this scalding hot bath...'
Kim in the DR: 'Nicole is the Mafia.'
Calum said goodnight to Kim and Bianca called him a 'kiss arse', ha. Kim is still calling Nicola 'Nicole.' That whole argument was literally caused by Calum saying goodnight.
Kim: 'Don't start! You want to be punished? You aint seen nothing yet. You want trouble? By Christ you're going to get it.' Uh oh. Threats!
The look of glee on Spencer's face is hilarious.
Bianca pipes up with 'bore me later.' She's so drunk she's got subtitles. At least this meant her and Jamie didn't get any action tonight.
Nicola is a good friend to Bianca. Why does Nicola have her hand over one eye? 'You're an old lady.' Haha.
Ooh, Jamie sticking up for Nicola! Kim: 'You're a chicken livered bunch... chicken livered shits.' Stern Big Brother is coming over the tannoy. This is the kind of ten minutes of Big Brother you have to watch twice just to get all the facial expressions in.
I love it when one person is in the DR and it's all kicking off outside, and they obviously don't have enough staff on to cope with a row.
Ooh, Jamie coming for Kim! Stern Big Brother sounds panicked. 'Jamie should not leave the bedroom!'
Look at the rage in Jamie's eyes! Aggressive little prick. Appearing as if you're going to lay out an old age pensioner is not a good look. Spencer got up to defend him, aw, haha.
Kim: 'You're a bunch of chinless wonders! Cowards!'
Where did all the security even come from? It's like they just appeared out of nowhere. Outside contact! Hahaaa.
Bianca looks happy, like she's used to this on a night out. It definitely has Northampton town centre vibes, but without getting bottled.
You can tell Spencer thinks James is an idiot for shouting at an old woman. Don't get me wrong, Kim is batshit crazy and totally wrong/ psycho, but these people are sent to test you. How you react proves who you are as a person, Jamie. But we already knew who he was, didn't we?
Talking of cowards, where's Calum while all this is kicking off?
I love James Cosmo sitting in the garden looking disgusted.
Jamie: 'I wouldn't piss on you if you were on fire.' Not very nice.
Kim: 'You're an adulterer!' Haha. The security guard has got drink all down her back. That security guard should get danger money. Where's the one who shit up Bear? He could deal with an angry Kim I reckon. Kim: 'Oh, lovey, these ratbags, they put me through Hell' to security. I think Kim actually has some sort of problem. She shouldn't be in there.
I wish we could have seen more of that! I feel cheated. Half the show should have just been that.
I really feel like Nicola could win at this point, off the back off this madness. And I wouldn't be that upset about it. In fact, I'd like to have her in my corner in an argument! What has become of me?

Tuesday, 17 January 2017

Celebrity Big Brother 2017: Whatever you've heard, it's from a pack of sheep

Bant-urgh
Who goes? We decide. Makes a change! I don't even know who's up for eviction, so what gives? It all feels a bit cobbled together this series. I liked this series until the first eviction. Now it just feels like a conveyor belt, like when they swapped people with that glittery loo roll and they didn't swap Danny Wisker (ugh) but we did get Marc O Neil (so that was something). We get invested in housemates, when you evict them, it's like when our favourite dies in a soap. If it's a democracy, it's just about bearable, but the Austin bullshit was deplorable, and even Jasmine got the shaft, but, weeeeelll.
Interview with Jasmine. I like her 'get it in the back door' joke. She does joke!
Jasmine is used to a healthy lifestyle, not the toxic atmosphere of the BB house. Emma is not a fan of Jasmine's foul mouth. Why does she have to rein/reign (both look wrong) in the language? It's past the watershed, stop being so prissy.
Jasmine admitted in her interview that she dated Calum before. Mind you, who hasn't?
Emma thinks the crowd are booing her. They probably are cos she's so uptight, her hair looks shit, and yet more office wear. Sigh. The way she told off Jasmine there just reminded me of all the things I hate about Emma. Stuck up.
New housemates are immune from nominations but can still vote. Bullshit. The new housemates are like when your favourite in a soap gets replaced with a different actor but playing the same character. Not good.
I like Kim winding Nicola up. So much for respect for your elders. Mind you, Kim is a mega cunt. Is she for real, or is she faking it? I can't even tell anymore. She seems totally insane.
James J nominated Jedward and Speidi. BOOO! Bad noms. James J nommed Jedward. Ugh. Yet also Calum! Yay.
Calum nommed James J and Jedward. Chloe nominated Jedward because she's 'heard they're shit stirrers'. I liked Jedward saying 'whatever you've heard it's from a pack of sheep.' Too true. Chloe also nommed James C, prob cos she gets the vibe that he (correctly) can't fucking stand her.
Jamie nominated Jedward for 'thinking it's the Jedward show' and for 'wanting to win the show'. Um, isn't that the name of the game? To win? Twatface.
Jamie also nommed James J for calling him 'a washed up footballer'. Another fact.
Coleen nominated Jedward and Jamie.
OMG Speidi nommed James (which one?!) for being a threat (oh, James C) and Jamie for 'unaccetably screaming at Jedward.' Not cool! Not cool is right.
Bianca nominated Jedward and James C. Bad noms.
Jedward nominated James J and Nicola. Why not Jamie after the way he shouted at them! That was a fail.
Jessica nominated Coleen and James C. New people should not be allowed to nominate, who cares what they fucking think? No one cares who Pointless Pav or Sam 'loving life' votes for. Then they just get evicted all in a row. We know the drill.
Kim nominated Nicole (Nicola), got angry when Nicola corrected her name and moaned about 'gang handedness' again and then started to fake cry. Start calling Kim Karen and see how she takes it. 'It's a shame such a lovely girl with a kind heart is such a bitch.' Those two things don't go together. Kim also nominated Bianca for no reason. She's nuts.
Nicola nominated Jedward for being 'defensive'. No wonder they're defensive, everyone's having a fucking go at them. Nicola nominated James C because she doesn't want to swear in front of him. What?! That is NOT a reason.
Stacy nominated Jedward for being 'covertly hostile.' Jedward are twitching. One in particular is taking it worse. These noms are putting me on edge. I hate the way they're talking to Jedward, it's disgusting. Bad atmosphere!
James C,  James J and Jedward on block. I don't want any of these three to go when the three new people are still there. It's not fair! Fuck you, Big Bro. Crowd chanting 'get Jedward out', fuck you as well, creeps.
Still, that was good for Jedward getting kicked just before the lines opened, cos people feel sorry for them then.
What has Nicola actually done to Kim? Is Kim going senile? She's batty as fuck. I LOVE the term 'gang handed' though. Stacy trying to talk sense into her. Don't bother. Stacy swerved the noms well there, didn't she? Stacy is back under the radar, nice work.
I think James C is ready to go. I want him to stay but I feel he should go, cos this is beneath him. It's beneath me watching it.
I like the way one Jedward acts like he's personally attacked when they have a go at both of them. He's like 'the reasons you nominated me..' not 'us'. Imagine being so close to someone that you're a me not an us. That's cool.
Jedward just tried to ask James J what the problem was and he walked off, so what can they do?
Why is Kim intent on saying they'll all not be friends? 'Why is James Cosmo being voted out because he's nice... cos the world is a miserable place.' She's actually right. That's why they swapped Austin for her and the Geordie Shore numpty (not much airtime for her tonight, what a shame.)
Kim is pushing Spencer and everyone looks on edge. I think they're missing Austin's brand of wonky eyed unhingedness rather than Kim's. What has Nicola done to Kim?! Nicola is being quite restrained. I think I'd cry if I was her. It's great for her game though if she plays it right.
The crowd are like a baying mob. Gross.
OMG James Jordan got evicted! Sweet! James C seems to be building up quite the momentum! I think it's an anti newbie vote. Don't bother nomming James C, he's untouchable!
Although I hate him, I still think it's criminal James Jordan has gone with some of the others still in the house. He was at least trying to entertain us, and he knew he was a cunt, he wasn't just a cunt trying to disguise he's a cunt like Jamie or Calum.
I'm not surprised Jedward were saved with the way they were 'gang handed' just before the vote was open. Hopefully James Jordan will think twice about the way he spoke to them. Unlikely, though.
Why are Jamie and Calum looking so glum in the background?
I thought James's interview was quite good. He comes across quite well apart from his annoying voice and going on about 'banter.' Ick. Lol, was Spencer really crying at him leaving? Good God. My England, my kryptonite. Up your game, man!
Will James C still be James C now James J has gone? Luke A never shook off that A, did he? Luke S, though. He knows how to shake off a whole suitcase full of cash. #neverforget #onemississippi
I was feeling very depressed in the first half of that show, but James Jordan's eviction saved it for me.
Time to kick out some newbies, please. It said when they went in, one wouldn't last the weekend. So why are there still three hanging round, cluttering up the place? DUMB. I hate it when Big Brother forgets to go through with it's own twists.
Anyway, somewhere on a sofa tonight, White Dee is angry, Audley Harrison is laughing and Gary Busey is honking at the sky.

Monday, 16 January 2017

Celebrity Big Brother 2017: I'm as fake as your face

Hair and scare
So I took a little break from my blog for the weekend to calm down a bit, ha, Why should I do this shit daily when they treat us like such chumps? I'm embarrassed for myself. This is CBB but we have Americans watching, we have Canadians watching, we have Australians watching. Let's not piss the bed and act like that's normal. Not again.
So I know someone has been evicted already but I've avoided spoilers! Go me. But also, fuck you, Big Brother for not doing it live and ruining it for so many people. They never learn.
Fuck me, what does Calum Best smell of? I think he should bring out an aftershave called 'Inexplicable'. All the women love him! He's gross. I don't get it! It's not just that he's got a face like a potato, it's this fake nice guy, 'reformed lothario', retired fanny rat bullshit when we all know the second he gets out the house he's gonna be balls deep in whatever fanny's nearest.
Kim's career advice to Chloe: 'Don't stand on a corner and say £20 for a blowjob. If you're going to sell your body, go to an escort agency.' She thinks the Geordie Shore house is a brothel. Weeeellll. 
So now three people get to escape from Hell. It's gotta be Speidi. If Speidi go on this twist, fuck all y'all. Ooh, they get to eliminate each other if they get a question right, like on 15 to 1.
Spencer still annoyed James C got called a dreamboat, apparently.
I love Stacy wreaking revenge on Jasmine. She fucked Austin, and next she's gonna fuck Jasmine. Bhahahaha!
Oh, so the housemates have to all agree on who must never return. Bet they go for James C. Easy target. They haven't got the balls to go after Speidi. They won't go after Calum Best for obvious reasons. Jasmine... at a push. Let's pray it's Jasmine. Oh, surely not Stacy? They better not.
Nah, deffo James C. Easy target. The 'he wants to go' defence.
Stacy: 'I'm as fake as your face' to Jasmine, lol. Ooh so it's between Speidi, Jasmine and James C. Please let it be Jasmine, she's useless and a cunt. They could have swapped one of the others out. Choosing between three is rough. I don't like the random nature of this. I don't like the random way the housemates were chosen, or battled out. It's like when they spun that fucking wheel to evict someone. NOT COOL. That's not what we signed up for. Mind you, I think we signed up with Channel 4, not Channel 5, so I'm not sure those terms and conditions apply.
Why's Geordie Shore wearing Frank Butcher's glasses? Poor James C stuck in Hell with Jasmine. Oh, not for long. Now the housemates get to evict.
Who goes? The housemates decide. It better not be Speidi. It better not. I'm gonna FLIP. If they were smart, they'd evict Speidi. But I'm pretty sure Speidi's contract is water tight (get it? Water? Never mind).
The housemates are deliberating. They are all going 'on the one hand...' blah and 'on the other hand' blah. Classic BB.
This is like when they did that vote between Kelsey and Loveta on BBCAN but this is better.
I love it when Spencer calls people 'm'dear.' He's not been doing it so much lately. HUNDO it's in Speidi's contract that they can't be evicted like this. Fuck this. They aint going out like that, they aint going out like that (they aint going out!)
Bet Calum never stuck up for Jasmine. Probably wants her out the way so he can keep pretending to be a born again virgin. I'm so glad I don't know the result cos I actually feel tense. Don't send James C out like that! Get rid of Jasmine!
Ooh, they have to open a door and one leads to the outside world! That's a cool spin on it.
Spencer and Heidi look shit scared! I bet Spencer's glad he was nice to people for about five minutes this series. Ooh they're saved. Good! That's what a good lawyer will do for you.
They should have all opened at the same time! More tense.
OMG Jasmine has gone! I guess that's what you get for not bothering to endear yourself to the other housemates except for one who you're looking to fuck. Everyone knows it's all about the numbers. This one's for Casey Batchelor!
LOL James C looks pissed off to be staying. Hilarity. I'm glad the housemates did the right thing. I didn't have much faith in them.
The others are all justifying evicting Jasmine. She would have only got booed for having a vagina anyway. Kim is arguing with Nicola. 'Gang-handed' I like. That sounds like fun. What is up with Kim! She's a volcano. She's having a go at EVERYONE.
Is James rattled by Kim? I think he's more annoyed by her. She's his new Busey. James J works best with an OAP nemisis.
James C said it's nice to get saved, aww. I love James C! So cute. Dreamboat! He needs to make it to the final now. Ted has tried to get rid of him twice now! I see you, BB producers. James C dodged both bullets.
James Jordan to Spencer: 'This house has changed.' Yes, there are now crappy, cut-price housemates and no Austin. They thought Austin drank a lot until them met Chloe.
Ooh, Spencer is winding James J up about what Calum was saying in Hell! Yes, he's still got it. I've still got faith in Speidi. They're just on a low setting this year.
James C: 'I nearly walked into the wall cos I was ready to go.' Haha. I'm glad James was touched. He's in a new kind of Hell now.
Ah, Chloe is jumping in Jasmine's grave, quick smart! These bitches have replaceable heads as far as Calum's concerned.
I don't think Chloe really fancies father-of-one-but-he-never-mentions-it Calum. I think she's just reading it off a cue card. Hold on, she can't read. She must have an ear piece in then.
Spencer's face trying to understand Chloe. Then encouraging her to go for Calum! Haha. Good work!
Ooh and Jessica is flirting with Calum in the garden. There's not enough Calum to go round in that house. Chop the cunt up, let everyone have a piece.
Apparently Jessica is loud. I've barely heard her say anything. She's grasping for a storyline, but no joy.
I thought they were going to kick one of the new lot out. Get on with it! And make it two. Or three.
No one seems that sad Jasmine's gone.
Coleen: 'Calum's not interested in any of us.' ANY OF US. Hahahahaaaaaa. Oh, Coleen.
Chloe on Calum's lap trying to kiss her, awkward. His girlfriend only got evicted today! I say girlfriend. I love the shot of Calum's hand on Chloe's arse. The camera man knows what's up!
Chloe: 'Let's take it slow' to Calum. Calum is wishing his mummy was still there to save him.
Stacy angry because she knew Calum ten days before and fancied him then. Read that back and see how ridiculous it really sounds. Stacy, Coleen, Jasmine, Jessica AND Chloe ALL FANCY CALUM. And Calum fancies Calum (thanks to Jemima_80 on Twitter for adding Calum to that list as I'd missed him out.)
Not very good acting from that maggot Chloe there having a fake strop. Really crap. In her bra. Michael Jackson in a bra. I can see why Calum's not interested, to be honest. Coleen is a more appealing prospect, by a mile.
Seriously, if all Big Brother has got for us from now on is Calum Best, pussy magnet, and Kim shouting at people, I'M OUT. I'm half wishing Jasmine had stayed to put this Geordie gargoyle straight. Seriously, you are testing my patience, Big Bro. I enjoyed the doors thing, but that could easily have been another huge upset if the housemates had used their brains and evicted Speidi.
BTW I did do a new podcast which covered the weekend's events, so if you're audibly-inclined, listen here. Cheers!

Friday, 13 January 2017

Celebrity Big Brother 2017: Fuckin' hell

Worst bits
I just voted to save Austin, Speidi and James C (hey, big spender). I think Stacy will be safe and I want Angie to go.
Ugh, Emma has got her hair in that bad style again. I like her coat, though. But not the rapist gloves.
Whhhhhhat so the housemates have to kick one out?! I just voted for James C! If they kick him out, I'm going to be pissed. They could tell us that earlier! It moves the goalposts a bit.
Why is Calum upset that Jasmine woke up in bed with him! Still trying to manage his image? It's getting boring now. He'll be on her like a rat up a drainpipe if his mum goes.
Look at the state of that room, it looks filthy. Calum and Jamie almost having a 'slutbucket' moment eyeing up Bonka.
Jedward 'risk their lives every day squeezing their junk into skinny jeans.'
Jamie doesn't like Jedward cos they're not like he was at 25. What, knocking up a racist?
Why is Spencer growing that beard! Groo.
Nicola did not 'trap' her boyfriend by getting pregnant, Twitter idiots. Takes two to get pregnant. If he doesn't want a baby, he should wear a condom.
Why is everyone on the block asleep! You think they'd be worried. Obviously high tension there.
They have to give each other anonymous punishments / reward. Jedward are going to perform three albums' worth of material for Jamie, haha.
Spencer calling Calum: 'Mummy's boy, ego maniac and two faced.' Haaaa!
Jedward on slop! Jasmine reading mean tweets, what a shame. I can't believe she's affected by it. She's so heartless. I like Stacy's secret glee.
Austin still living off the Marc Jacob files. He met Spencer and Heidi and called her a bitch. Spencer is calling it as fake news. Spencer is getting quite aereated.
Spencer: 'I don't patrol the borders, do I look like Donald Trump?' Both surly blondes.
Jamie is on a date with Jedward and James Jordan is in prison (of sorts).
Jedward just eat chicken and grapes. That's healthier than my diet. I'm liking the volume on Jedward's hair today.
Jasmine: 'How dare people say things on Twitter?' They dare!
Why does no one go after Bianca? Has she got a boyfriend?
Does anything ever come out of James J's mouth that's not a wind up! He does make me laugh despite myself sometimes. Don't tell anyone.
Jasmine throwing her mic (doing a Chima) and calling Big Brother a cunt. Rude! OMG she's frying her microphone. That seems a bit dangerous/ unhygenic. She's worried about her 'reputation'. Lol. Too late, man, too late.
Everyone is getting booed except James C! He'll be the one to go, ha. I can't hear a chant of 'get someone out.'
Angie is first out! She's pretending she's pleased. Calum is pretending he's sad. Angie nearly walked into the door. The double staircase confusion again.
This interview isn't even worth talking about. Zzzz. Angie still pretending she doesn't know what a gameplan is. Speidi will be pleased to see her go. Stop calling everyone babes! It's like the GC is back. Oh God, she's not back, is she? Angie calling Spencer 'a diamond.'
I hope Speidi are just laying low before they attack. I don't like this 'toned down' Speidi.
The weekend from Hell has begun! Austin looks really nervous! He'll be OK though.
And we're back!
So the housemates have to evict the most boring housemate. They will either fudge it or evict James C.
OMG the new housemates. I don't even know who two of them are. CHEAP. Great, a cut price Charlotte Crosby. Kim Woodburn and... someone else. Chloe, Jessica and Kim.
Argh, Emma in the house. Eek, new housemates with masks on. Creepy.
OK, the housemates have to write down the names of the housemates they want to evict. But it should be who's the dullest.
So far votes for Stacy, Bianca, James Jordan, Austin, Jedward, Calum. OMG Calum has had two votes, from James J and Jamie! OMG, Austin, Calum, Jedward and James C all have 2! Stacy voted Austin! OMG Austin is out! He's not the dullest! This is bullshit. At least he's not going out via the public's hand. 'It's time to cull the dull.' Catchy.
Stacy got her revenge on Austin there! Big time. I guess he wanted to go home and see his boyfriend. anyway.
So the housemates didn't know he would get voted out off the back of that. I wish it had been Calum!
You know what I was saying about Geordie Shore people and how I was happy there was none in there? ARRRRRGGGGGHHHHH.
Poor Austin. He didn't deserve that. He's not the dullest! The poll should be null and void. I'm pleased James C survived, but not at the (Arma)cost of Austin. 
Austin won't call Speidi Speidi, he won't give them that satisfaction.
I'm not sure Austin is that gutted to go, really. He seems OK. He's probably relieved in a way. But as a viewer, I'm not.
Austin: 'The British people fell in love with me.' He's like Princess Diana.
OMG. Austin has no best bits. Because they couldn't be bothered to do best bits for everyone. I bet they had James C's best bits ready. WHAT A JOKE! How cheap ass of them. Kim Woodburn instead of Austin. Fuck you, Big Brother. Austin didn't deserve that. NOT A GOOD SWAP. Bollocks.

Thursday, 12 January 2017

Celebrity Big Brother 2017: Are we human or are we Jedward?

Why?
Land of nod task is ongoing. We're tired of it already. Dream clouds! I think the entertainment value is done there.
Aw to James C comforting Stacy when she's crying. What a lovely guy. Quite dull, but lovely.
We don't even GET to know why Brandon is having a hard time, he's so dull. Give us a crumb, Brandon! Throw us one bone, mate.
Angie enjoyed arguing with Stacy last night. OK then. She's such an arse. Why is everyone on Stacy's case? I don't even like her but it's not pleasant to watch. She's got Austin, Angie, Jasmine and Nicola on her case. Is she being bullied? She's definitely being marginalised.
Jasmine is annoyed by an unspecified Jedward waving a banana in her face. 'I don't even know if they're human or have feelings. They're just robotic little wind up toys.' Weeeelll. That's their main appeal!
Stacy knows Tom Cruise from being a Scientologist. Now James is slagging off Scientology, oops. Stacy: 'It's pretty phenomenal.' Ah, she's admitted she's one. 'Well, if it works for you.' This means, 'You're nuts.' I'd ask her more about it! It's interesting.
Jamie 'treats women like an an animal in bed.' The old Fatboy chat up line, hey. Mind you, he's a footballer, so not sure he should brag about that. They're not known for their appropriate sexual conduct, are they?
At least Brandon came back to say goodbye. I would have just skulked out of the diary room cos I hate goodbyes. James J crying, lol. Spencer's probably like, another one bites the dust. Two down... how many to go?
Brandon and James C's heartfelt goodbye! Aw.
Jedward are like my friends stopping me trying to leave the pub. If he wants to go, he wants to go. Give the man a break.
James J to Brandon: 'You didn't affect anyone else.' Especially not the viewers.
OMG I can't believe Jamie kicked off at Jedward like that! They were trying to be nice. Jamie is an aggressive twat. What did they even do?!
'What's real about you? You're the biggest joke act I've ever seen. You're just fucking noise.' What are you? A pug nosed, midget, racist-marrying, wife-leading-on piece of shit, fuck off. I think he actually upset Jedward. They DO have emotions!
Brandon is getting so much airtime, honestly. Leave already!
Speidi counselling Jedward, I love it.
Jamie: 'I don't like arguing.' You didn't argue, you just shouted at two people for no reason who were trying to be nice. Jedward ARE adults, FFS. Patronising twat. The way they dealt with him and didn't rise to it showed that.
Another shit stir task, quoting the housemates. They fucked up the 'Bonka from the strip club' line. Haha, Jedward got called on the 'biggest nobodies' line. Loved James J calling them 'nasty little fuckers', hahaha. Jedward on backtrack mode, lol.
Calum is constantly trying to manage his mum, ha. I hope he's having a shit time in there. Both him and his mum are ruining my experience of the programme.
Austin admitting to Coleen that 'he has an issue with drinking.' Well, that's the first step. The second is to drink less. I shant hold my breath.
Angie, stop pretending you don't know what a gameplayer is. Calum's face is a picture every time his mum talks. He looks under the cosh.
Oh, the task is over. They passed the shopping task. I don't even remember there being a secret aspect to it.
Oh god, new housemates are coming tomorrow. I bet it's someone cheap. It will be some TOWIE wankers. And the weekend from hell. I wonder what that means. I'm hearing rumours it's Bear. God, I hope not. Ruthless. If it's the weekend from hell, just put Katie Hopkins, Perez and Bear in, job done.
Bianca's one job in the house, trying to keep Austin on a leash. She does a reasonable job of it.
Austin vs Stacy again, zzz. Stacy is right, she can talk about whatever she wants. Having knowledge of getting yourself papped is hardly something to brag about. Just ask Lisa Appleton.
Jamie on Jedward: 'They're either really dumb or really clever.' That smoking crew are coming off like a bunch of cunts and bullies. Jedward got more readies than you bitches put together.
Nicola: 'I just want to leave to cheers rather than boos.' Good luck with that.
Austin is trying to argue with Calum about the size of his feet. Then saying he likes Stacy. WTF. He's either drank too much or not enough. I'm glad they're being nice to Stacy for once. I guess Jedward are the new kicking post.
Jamie: 'You're coming across amazing' to Nicola. Calum: 'We will break this chick.' That's Calum's true personality leaking out. Oozing out, I should say.
Jasmine to Stacy: 'You have so much to offer this world, I love you.' Calm down. Faaaaaaakke.
What time to Speidi go to bed? Why are they never on this show anymore! Boo!
Is Jasmine patting Calum's knob? Is that the sexual scenes we were promised? Jibbed!
Save Austin and Speidi! (And James C). I think Tracy will be saved anyway. I want Angie to go and take her kale, her gameplan and her son with her. BYE!